The 7 day challenge has been a little difficult; in a nutshell the hugging hasn't been a problem, the attachement play has been hit or miss and the 20 minutes of their own choice - not going as planned.
Friday night I had good intentions, I had plans to play with the kids for 20 minutes each, but at the last minute we decided to have a family date with take-out, a movie and some popcorn. The kids both snuggled with me on the lay-z-boy. Even though it wasn't necessarily their choice of game, it was good family bonding time and we all enjoyed ourselves.
Saturday I did good. It was a busy morning & afternoon. Tamaya had her dance recital and we did a lot of running around. We managed to have our 20 minutes each of play time after supper. I baked some cookies and Tamaya, Ty and I had cookies and a tea party, afterwards, Ty and I played SuperMario Bros on the wii, while Tamaya rubbed my feet. (she was paying me restitution for an earlier incident) she later joined in on the wii fun.
I wasn't sure how I would do each play time one on one with the child playing the game of their choice. It worked out well that we all played together, and there was no trying to sabotage, you see, as long as Ty is regulated my children are best of friends and play very well together. I think had I "rejected" him and asked him to go elsewhere I would of had a meltdown and needed to divert my attention to him, which would not of been fair to Tamaya. I'm going to try and get some one on one with each of them while the other is busy - maybe tonight I will do something with Tamaya while Ty is soaking in the tub and vice versa.
Sunday - between Sunday clean up, guest coming over, and me having to leave for my monthly Bonco with the ladies, I ran out of time.
Monday night Steve worked late, I had to make dinner, Ty had a school project to finish up - we ran out of time. In my defense the school *project was a time line with pictures of his life from birth until now with all of his milestones, it was nice bonding time.
* the project was a BIG source of some disregulation last week. I'm guessing that the teacher gave examples of the time line and she must of mentioned something to the effect that you can start with a picture of when you were in your mom's belly. I was livid and ready to call her and kindly give her a piece of my mind about sensitivity, but once I read over the instructions of what the project entailed I realised I could probably ease his anxiety. I explained to him that all children had their own time line and that none of them would be the same. I told him it wasn't necessary to have a pregnancy picture, that we would included a baby picture of him while he was waiting to come home with a picture of his nursery awaiting his arrival. I also gave him the option to not do the project at all, but once we got talking about his milestones he was on board 100%.
I'm hoping to report better news in the challenge department next post... Wish me luck!!!
Monday, May 31, 2010
Friday, May 28, 2010
The 7 day challenge...
Hubby will be leaving for a little while. He hasn't been gone for an extended period of time since Afghanistan a few years ago. This brings out a little PTSD in momma. Ty gets disregulated BIG TIME when Steve is away for even one night on a duty (a 24 hours shift). It brings back memories of severe raging, hitting, biting, random peeing where-ever, swearing, hoarding, partying it up all night while I am fast asleep, etc, etc. Ty's come such a long way since then, he will usually only pull out those stunts when he is disregulated and something has triggered him. Because it happens randomly now, as opposed to daily way back when. I am better able to help him. I can usually get him back into a "safe place" within a few days or so with a few simple tools.
Here are a few of the many things I do to get him "back";
- I accept the fact that he is super stressed/triggered at the time, I offer understanding and tell him that I understand it sucks!
- I do everything in my power to stay regulated, even though I want to kick and scream and have a tantrum I stay as calm as possible - I keep a nice even tone... one of love. I make sure I take care of me extra lots during these times.
- I praise good behavior.
- I go over the house rules, with a VERY clear understanding of what the consequence is if the rule is broken.
- I especially say what I mean and mean what I say. It's so important for him to trust me while disregulated (or anytime for that matter). If I tell him that I will be giving him such and such a consequence if he chooses to ______ (fill in the blank) I follow through 100%. If I tell him we will have a special _____, even if he has just hit me and told me where to go I make sure I spend that special time with him. Most of the time he will purposely sabotage anything good, just to see if he can trust me, if I will still love him.
- When he is disregulated he is to be with me 100% of time during waking hours, even if that means he misses a day or 2 of school. He isn't able to make good decisions when he is "off". We call it the lock-down (no locks involved, just mommy locking down on his behaviors and not giving him a chance to harm himself or others)
- I get to his level.. I do, if he is swearing up a storm, I'll get right in there with him and say yup... it is bull shit and whatever else he is saying. Between the 2 of us we sound like a bunch of truckers, but for some reason we can laugh it off, because it usually catches him off guard :-) *the only time he swears is when he is off*
- If he is hitting or going to hit I tell him to come to my room and we go nuts on hitting the bed/pillows - I figure he's gotta let it out, so I may as well give him other tools to let it out - instead of him hitting people/the pets.
- one of the most powerful things I give him when he is disregulated is the gift of time. I ensure we have lots of one on one... I make sure I am 100% in the moment with him.
- I also give him the opportunity to regress... he will actually usually ask me for some "baby time" giving him a sippy cup of warm milk while rocking him, spoon feeding him, rubbing his back or legs. I will offer to help him get dressed, tie his jacket (things he can do, but I offer it to prove to him that I am his mommy and will always take care of him)
Here are a few of the many things I do to get him "back";
- I accept the fact that he is super stressed/triggered at the time, I offer understanding and tell him that I understand it sucks!
- I do everything in my power to stay regulated, even though I want to kick and scream and have a tantrum I stay as calm as possible - I keep a nice even tone... one of love. I make sure I take care of me extra lots during these times.
- I praise good behavior.
- I go over the house rules, with a VERY clear understanding of what the consequence is if the rule is broken.
- I especially say what I mean and mean what I say. It's so important for him to trust me while disregulated (or anytime for that matter). If I tell him that I will be giving him such and such a consequence if he chooses to ______ (fill in the blank) I follow through 100%. If I tell him we will have a special _____, even if he has just hit me and told me where to go I make sure I spend that special time with him. Most of the time he will purposely sabotage anything good, just to see if he can trust me, if I will still love him.
- When he is disregulated he is to be with me 100% of time during waking hours, even if that means he misses a day or 2 of school. He isn't able to make good decisions when he is "off". We call it the lock-down (no locks involved, just mommy locking down on his behaviors and not giving him a chance to harm himself or others)
- I get to his level.. I do, if he is swearing up a storm, I'll get right in there with him and say yup... it is bull shit and whatever else he is saying. Between the 2 of us we sound like a bunch of truckers, but for some reason we can laugh it off, because it usually catches him off guard :-) *the only time he swears is when he is off*
- If he is hitting or going to hit I tell him to come to my room and we go nuts on hitting the bed/pillows - I figure he's gotta let it out, so I may as well give him other tools to let it out - instead of him hitting people/the pets.
- one of the most powerful things I give him when he is disregulated is the gift of time. I ensure we have lots of one on one... I make sure I am 100% in the moment with him.
- I also give him the opportunity to regress... he will actually usually ask me for some "baby time" giving him a sippy cup of warm milk while rocking him, spoon feeding him, rubbing his back or legs. I will offer to help him get dressed, tie his jacket (things he can do, but I offer it to prove to him that I am his mommy and will always take care of him)
So while I was reading Christine's post I got SUPER excited. I'm looking forward to spending extra quality time with my kids. I will try and post daily about the things we have done together and what kind of results I see. I was anticipating Ty totally disregulated, but maybe because we are doing the 7 day challenge and daddy is leaving right dab in the middle of it, it may diminish or avoid the disregulation altogether!?! Here's hoping!!!
Wish me luck...
Monday, May 24, 2010
Picture post...
Tamaya rockin' her fro, her hair is getting so long. You would never believe her hair is actually half way down her back when I pull it straight down. Her "bangs" are well past her chin.
My pretty ballerina.
Sunday, May 23, 2010
ooofff...
Wow, I feel like I just posted a post a few days ago, and low and behold it's already been a couple weeks.
Ty's been having a hard time with his life lately and frankly I find myself needing to breath and "remember" to stay regulated. Some days are much easier then others. Some days I can be so cool, calm and collected... others not so much. This past week.. not so much. I've caught myself on several occasion yelling, (which, honestly is something I really TRY hard not to do) it's never accomplished anything besides get him even more unregulated... But I also have to remember than I am also only human and will occasionally make mistakes, the stress of helping him heal often times is just too much and if I forget to take time for me, to take time to refresh I just kind of blow my top. I just have to forgive myself and move on, on the right foot.
We have really come a long way. Just a year ago life was very different... He is certainly on the road to recovery and it's so nice to see him verbalise his fears... At least when I know how he is feeling I am able to talk them out with him and let him know I am here for him!
* He recently found out his birth family is alive from the earthquake.
* He has a school trip he is nervous about. (I gave him the option to stay home, which helped him enormously)
* Daddy is leaving for a month.
* We are preparing him mentally for a possibility of redoing grade 1
Lots of little stress when you are only 7
__________________________
Tamaya has her dress rehearsal for Ballet today. I will be sure to post pictures of her. Her costume is gorgeous!!!
Ty's been having a hard time with his life lately and frankly I find myself needing to breath and "remember" to stay regulated. Some days are much easier then others. Some days I can be so cool, calm and collected... others not so much. This past week.. not so much. I've caught myself on several occasion yelling, (which, honestly is something I really TRY hard not to do) it's never accomplished anything besides get him even more unregulated... But I also have to remember than I am also only human and will occasionally make mistakes, the stress of helping him heal often times is just too much and if I forget to take time for me, to take time to refresh I just kind of blow my top. I just have to forgive myself and move on, on the right foot.
We have really come a long way. Just a year ago life was very different... He is certainly on the road to recovery and it's so nice to see him verbalise his fears... At least when I know how he is feeling I am able to talk them out with him and let him know I am here for him!
* He recently found out his birth family is alive from the earthquake.
* He has a school trip he is nervous about. (I gave him the option to stay home, which helped him enormously)
* Daddy is leaving for a month.
* We are preparing him mentally for a possibility of redoing grade 1
Lots of little stress when you are only 7
__________________________
Tamaya has her dress rehearsal for Ballet today. I will be sure to post pictures of her. Her costume is gorgeous!!!
Friday, May 07, 2010
RAD and Testing...
Well my dear Ty did it again. Lately we've seem to have been doing lots of testing.... and, as every mom of a child with RAD will know is that one of their great attributes are the art of manipulation and of sabotaging. He had a IQ test done as well as other school testing done to eliminate a learning disability.
Now, going into this I knew that he would play the test. He would do the opposite of what was asked of him, or not do it at all... or whatever else he chose to do that day. I made it very clear that he would try and control the test, that's what RAD kids do so well... so on a Monday a couple weeks ago the psychologist calls me to make an appointment with me to meet before she does the IQ testing, I had requested this because of the fact that I needed to explain what he would do, signs to look for, or what to say to have him perform better. She called on a Monday and I made the appointment to meet her on the Wednesday... While I was in the meeting with her, she pulled out his test scores and told me they did them the day before WTF???? Now I did sign the form to allow the testing to be done, but I was under the impression we would meet prior to. Of course, not knowing him she fell hook line and sinker. I actually LAUGH OUT LOUD when she was showing me the questions he got wrong... knowing full well that my son KNEW the answers for example she asked him what a thief was - he said a thief is a dirty pig. Also while he was asked what went together (apple, orange, boat, shovel... he chose the opposite, boat and shovel - because you can put a shovel in a boat. He did it for all of the matches, chose the ones that didn't go together - can you say OPPOSITIONAL. She assured me she was confident that he did not sabotage the test, that she was confident that she would have known if she was played.
Well all I can say is that when I came home and asked my dear Ty if he had fun playing the lady that did the test with him - he laugh, asked me how I knew. Ty Ty Ty!!! So basically his test scores are very low - the way it was done was by percentile and he scored at around the 5th - 7th. This is coming from a child that has a photographic memory he can remember the color of a car he saw 4 years ago.. or the name of someone he met once, he remembers details of events I completely forgot about, but ask him what a thief is and the boy will tell you a dirty pig! Well I guess you could say he was right ;-)
Now I'm going to go indulge in some ice-cream... with sprinkles !!!
Now, going into this I knew that he would play the test. He would do the opposite of what was asked of him, or not do it at all... or whatever else he chose to do that day. I made it very clear that he would try and control the test, that's what RAD kids do so well... so on a Monday a couple weeks ago the psychologist calls me to make an appointment with me to meet before she does the IQ testing, I had requested this because of the fact that I needed to explain what he would do, signs to look for, or what to say to have him perform better. She called on a Monday and I made the appointment to meet her on the Wednesday... While I was in the meeting with her, she pulled out his test scores and told me they did them the day before WTF???? Now I did sign the form to allow the testing to be done, but I was under the impression we would meet prior to. Of course, not knowing him she fell hook line and sinker. I actually LAUGH OUT LOUD when she was showing me the questions he got wrong... knowing full well that my son KNEW the answers for example she asked him what a thief was - he said a thief is a dirty pig. Also while he was asked what went together (apple, orange, boat, shovel... he chose the opposite, boat and shovel - because you can put a shovel in a boat. He did it for all of the matches, chose the ones that didn't go together - can you say OPPOSITIONAL. She assured me she was confident that he did not sabotage the test, that she was confident that she would have known if she was played.
Well all I can say is that when I came home and asked my dear Ty if he had fun playing the lady that did the test with him - he laugh, asked me how I knew. Ty Ty Ty!!! So basically his test scores are very low - the way it was done was by percentile and he scored at around the 5th - 7th. This is coming from a child that has a photographic memory he can remember the color of a car he saw 4 years ago.. or the name of someone he met once, he remembers details of events I completely forgot about, but ask him what a thief is and the boy will tell you a dirty pig! Well I guess you could say he was right ;-)
Now I'm going to go indulge in some ice-cream... with sprinkles !!!
Wednesday, May 05, 2010
Staying home from school...
I've always told my kids that they are able to take personal days. Days where they could just stay home and chill. Ty has to earn his and they are pre-planned, not established they day of. Ty would stay home everyday if he could. Tamaya on the other hand, adores going to school so basically anytime she requests a day she can have one.
Yesterday out of the blue Tamaya asked if she could stay home. I was shocked, this was the first time since September she has asked to stay.
I really enjoyed having her home with me. We just hung out, and during the daycare children's nap time we snuggled and watched a movie. She fell asleep in my arms... it was priceless. I wish I could bottle up little moments like this.
Yesterday out of the blue Tamaya asked if she could stay home. I was shocked, this was the first time since September she has asked to stay.
I really enjoyed having her home with me. We just hung out, and during the daycare children's nap time we snuggled and watched a movie. She fell asleep in my arms... it was priceless. I wish I could bottle up little moments like this.
Monday, May 03, 2010
How much they have grown...
I was reading old post last night and was amazed at how much the kids have grown in the past couple years... Here is little Miss. Tamaya - she's started this weird thing when I take pictures - she kind of closes her eyes.
At least these pictures of her her eyes are normal and of course she is pretty as can be!
One of the new outfits he chose for himself & loving his new mp3 player. He hasn't left it alone since he got it. He spent the whole day yesterday "working out" and running from our house to the end of our street where Dad was hanging out with a friend!!!
This morning before school - she looks so tired!
Mr.Man with his new Hat!
strike a pose... honestly they are too cool for words.
Saturday, May 01, 2010
Hair dye, new hairstyle & shopping with the kids solo...
I'm sitting here with a cup of Java and a head full of hair dye. I decided to get a new hairstyle last Thursday. I had let my hair grow for the past couple years and I was so ready for a change. I've been looking for a new hairstylist... someone that was in with the new trends and would find something to suit my "round" face. I think I'm happy with the new cut. It's kind of longer at the front and shorter at the back. My friends seem to like it... and, they are honest enough that if they didn't like it so much they certainly wouldn't be shy to let me know. I call it the reverse mullet - party at the front and all business at the back ;-)
I have to bring the kids shopping to buy spring clothes (they have pretty much worn out and out grown all their winter gear and are needing some new stuff. Steve has opted to stay home alone... should be interesting. Ty has become VERY particular about what he will wear, I'm looking forward to seeing what he chooses.
Edited to add: I didn't have a chance to post prior to leaving - however the day was surely an adventure, the kids made some good choices with their new clothes - maybe I can convince them to do a fashion show for your viewing pleasure.
I have to bring the kids shopping to buy spring clothes (they have pretty much worn out and out grown all their winter gear and are needing some new stuff. Steve has opted to stay home alone... should be interesting. Ty has become VERY particular about what he will wear, I'm looking forward to seeing what he chooses.
Edited to add: I didn't have a chance to post prior to leaving - however the day was surely an adventure, the kids made some good choices with their new clothes - maybe I can convince them to do a fashion show for your viewing pleasure.
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