WOW..

So much has happened in the last few days...

Hubby is doing well. He is enjoying being OUT of Afghanistan and decompressing in LUXURY! Talk about a beautiful place. Steve said I would love it... so in 2010 I am going to go with him for our honeymoon ;-)

His room overlooks the pool and the mediterranean! He said the food was exquisite. (well really he said the food was "great", but I wanted to use a fancy word..lol)

Only a couple days left and he will be home. His flight was delayed for 24 hours... What a bummer... lol.. Like that would be hard to take, another night in a 5 star :-)

Things are going great on the adoption front. I was feeling down, but managed to pick myself up. I managed to vent and wrote my adoption people a letter letting them know that unless they have GREAT news to share I didn't want to hear it..lol. I just want to focus on all that is good with this beautiful ending. I have decided to make a few inner mind changes. I will only focus on the positive. I will watch everything fall into place and enjoy preparing/nesting. I am going to see my wish come true and I FEEL it in my heart that it is so so soon... I will focus on the positives and beauty of what is happening.

I love you Tamaya... Maman's coming to hold you my baby girl!!!

Hard waiting days...

Miscommunication / lack of communication has been a big part of a lot of stress during our adoption journey. Last night I received an e-mail in regard to where our file is. Not where I thought I was...

On Tuesday our file will be submitted to the ministry of Interior... (I thought we had been in there already for 2 weeks) My first feeling was shock, then laughter because frankly how could I not laugh... then sadness, then trying to find a way to put this news behind me and move on. I had a good cry and now I feel better!

Tamaya’s adoption process has been a constant wave of so many emotions… from pure joy to frustration. Anticipation to more waiting. Every step of the way has been very difficult, but yet so exciting. One day I am at the top of the world knowing she is just a short time away, the next saddened that it is taking so long or dealing with yet another disappointment.

I have had to go through this process with no control. I do not have any power over what has been delayed or the overall process. I cannot make it go faster, nor can I make anything happen. This is VERY hard to do as an independent, strong woman. I make things happen in my life. When I want something, I go after it and make it come true. It is very natural to be the leader in my life. I have always been in control. I feel so powerless in this whole process.

I have time and time again tried to give my power over and move on… Some days I can. Some days I can go through and not even think or obsess over her homecoming. Some days it is the only thing on my mind and I neglect the rest of my life. In know in the end the greatest miracle of another child will be right before me. I will hold her and it will have happened. I will have put my time in. I will look back and it will be a distant memory.

I need to refocus yet again and move on. I need to focus on all things positive and instead of obsessing, I need to just believe… put my time in and let it go. I have done all I can do here to prepare for her. I am ready to be her mommy. I am ready to love her unconditionally and to patiently wait until her homecoming whenever that shall be. I have faith that everything is falling into place. I am handing it over and I will watch this miracle unfold right in front of my eyes and really enjoy it.

I may not have any control over the process, but I certainly have control over my emotions and how I chose to handle them throughout the rest of the wait ~ I chose happiness and peace in my heart!!!

Tickets booked...

I have decided to go ahead and pre-book my flight with an executive flexible ticket. For an extra $200, we will have a comfy first class seat for the 4 hour plan ride from Montreal to Haiti and back!

I have booked for the 13-20th of March direct from Canada to Haiti for a full week. :-) I still have no news, but realistically if I wait until the last, last minute there is a chance that there will be no seats available at all. If by the 13th we have no news I will re-schedule for the next week and so on, and if by chance she is ready before... I will wait.. but at least it will be my decision to do so! This will give us 2 weeks together as a family. My in class trauma therapy will be done. And even if I chose to go until she is ready to fly home I have a flexible ticket to do so!

If for some reason we need to reschedule the flight for the week later, her arrival date will be the same as Ty's... imagine that!!! The same homecoming dates!

I feel much better about having a time-line.. a count down and even thought I know it may change.. I at least have the peace of mind now that I need to get ready to travel in 17 days !!! It's nice to see everything come together and now I will see it happen right before my eyes. I can relax and not worry about that detail.. :-) and worst case scenario, my count downs will only be for 7 days until the next flight :-)

This and that...

About Steve:

My honey called last night... He had not called in about 4 days, but had wrote me an e-mail a few days back saying that it was a zoo on camp with the new people coming in and of course this tour starting to makes it's way home. Last night I awoke to his call at 12:30 am. My dear hubby had been in bed for 3 days straight!!! He shot out his back again and re-injured his hamstring. WILL HE EVER LEARN???? He was playing ball hockey and he wasn't even healed from the last 2 painful blows... I asked him if those 3 days in bed made him realise how silly that was... Now, he is injured and it will take some time for him to heal up of course and he will probably be UNABLE to enjoy his snowmobile season... more family time I guess..lol

Ty and I:

Ty and I went to the Dr. this morning. Ty is in the 75th percentile for his weight and height... this coming from a baby that came home in the very LOW percentile. He was super-duper and is healthy... mommy on the other hand needs to make a few life changes. My blood pressure was high, I have high cholesterol... I gained 10 lbs this year. It's time I start taking care of all of this before it becomes an major issue.

Ty school for September:

I was having a real hard time choosing a school for Ty. I knew I wanted him to be in french school, but I wasn't sure if I wanted him to go to the french Catholic, or public. After calling both schools and speaking to them about a couple things I have decided to send him to the french public... I felt I was much more respected and at ease. We went to visit his future class and will attend a parent/child night when they offer it. I was concerned it would be to much for Ty to be in school full days 5 days a week and she said it was not a problem if I wanted to keep him home a couple days a week. :-) She even said some parents have set days that they keep them home. I REALLY liked that! That way we can ease him in to going so much. (That way I can ease myself in sending him is what I am really saying..lol)

Shopping and adoption ramblings:

I went and did some shopping as well. I finally bought a umbrella stroller to bring with me on my trip... and I bought my dear daughter her 1st toothbrush! (well 1st home toothbrush.. I hope they brush her teeth?) I had bought myself a new set of luggage a few weeks back so I am happy I will be able to use it. I still feel great about my plan. I don't feel guilty, I actually feel like it will all work out great. Marijke (Tamaya's caregiver) has room for both my friend and I to stay and she is also very happy we are able to go together. She even offered the other mom the option to stay until her son was ready to come home if she didn't want to leave him... She is so great. I had thought about that and I know if I would not have had Ty I would have seriously considered calling Haiti my new home for 6 months while Steve was gone...

I'm going to go park my keister and try and get rid of this headache I've been fighting all day!!!

adoption ramblings part 3...

I now have a plan. It feels good deep down inside and I am thinking this is the best plan yet and a KEEPER!!!

I was talking with my mom about not feeling right about having Tamaya escorted. That I thought I had made my decision, but that I kept thinking of alternatives. I thought about 10 different scenario's and none felt right. A wise friend (Patricia) pointed out that the escort should document her saying good-bye to her nannies, the airport and flight back and all of a sudden my heart just ached knowing I could not explain her her home coming story fully. I tell Ty his story often and he loves hearing it.

Then other things started flooding my mind... Tamaya is intimidated when there are a lot of new people around and that my escort would have to console her at the airport and other crowded places... then when she landed in Canada to meet us she would probably be overwhelmed and our escort would be the only person she "knows" and would have to again comfort her. I started seeing how that could be hard on all of us. Then Tamaya would have to start all over again getting to know us.

I started thinking about Ty... when he said "you need to go get her in Haiti". I thought man oh man... and replayed his homecoming in my mind and how important it was for us. We did a one day trip. Landed in the morning and came back in the afternoon. We didn't leave the airport because of safety issues. Ty was scared and needed to be comforted, he held on to us for a few days after coming home. We were able to console him and started bonding right away because of this!

So in looking at my "reasons" for not going I put any of us adults aside and thought about the children. And what was best for both of them because someday I will love Tamaya as much as my sweety pie Ty.

- Ty's therapy is VERY important. I will ensure I plan my trip around that. If I have to leave after the meeting so be it. I will not miss any.

- Steve and Ty having some alone time is good. Re-bonding for a couple days without me will not hurt him any.

- If Ty missed me too much when I am gone when I come back I can re-focus on him and have Steve start bonding with Tamaya.. 2 parents for 2 kids...lol..

Back to my point...

So then I thought... if I can get someone close to me to come with me I wouldn't feel so alone on the trip to get her. I wouldn't be alone feeling all these emotions anticipated with our re-reunion. NOBODY IN MY FAMILY HAS A PASSPORT.. none of my very close friends either. Then it dawned on me...

Originally I had started planning my trip to Haiti with a mom that has her son at the same place Tamaya is. We were stuck in the same waiting place and figured we were going to get out at the same time. So we had planned our trip together... once our files drifted we kind of left that thought behind. Tonight while talking with my mom I had a OH MY GOSH moment. I would ask this mom if she wanted to come with me... be my travel partner and she would benefit from being able to be with her son for the very first time. Learn things about him, get prepared for his homecoming, and start bonding with him. We had talked about going for a trip to visit before and it never worked out.

SO... SHE HAS AGREED and we will travel together!!! She is flexible and able to travel on short notice. She has a passport..lol.. and she has even offered to pay her own way. I was fully prepared and offered to pay for her flights because had Steve wanted to come I would of had to pay it anyways.

So now... that's the plan!!! I feel better about this decision and I am NOT going to change my mind anymore..lol. Beside I have a back up plan. If my partner for some reason cannot come, I have a passport ready adoption friend/escort who is willing to tag along. So my traveling alone to Haiti fear is not going to stop me now..!!!

more adoption ramblings...

I thought I was ok with having her escorted home..lol... BUT...I keep on thinking of alternatives and am not at peace with it. sooooo... I will keep thinking of how and I *think* I may have found a solution. If something doesn't feel right, then it must not be!

I guess the main thing I am trying to achieve is the best possible transition for everyone.. especially both of my children. I told Ty about having someone bring Tamaya home and point blank he said "no mom you need to go to Haiti to get her" He was very matter of fact about this...lol.. maybe he knows more than I do...???...

Steve and I are both adults and know how to cope with life and feelings... our children do not. Ty and daddy having a couple bonding days will not hurt. Tamaya bonding with me before I come home to "regular" life will be beneficial and healthy. If she is scared I can comfort her and it will be better for our start. Her mommy will be there for her. And daddy will be there for Ty. I will get to be part of her homecoming as a family, I will be able to introduce her to her new family... and if she is scared she will know me and I can comfort her...

So back to the drawing board...lol...

I have a little "plan" in my head and for the first time... IT FEELS LIKE A GOOD PLAN. I will let you all know once I have things in place. This is the first time I felt GREAT about a potential plan!

Adoption ramblings...

I have decided I will have Tamaya escorted home. I have been weighing the pros and cons. Ideally we would travel as a family, spend a week and then bring her home... or have Marijke the lady that took her into her home escort. "Ideally" needs to be tweaked a tad for our situation..lol

Steve has no desire to head to a 3rd world country for a family vacation... and honestly I can't blame him and totally understand where he is coming from. I don't want to travel alone and I can't justify paying 2 flights just so I can have a travel companion... Marijke is very busy with other projects which I can understand so she is unable to escort her home.

So my friend offered to go to Haiti, volunteer a few days where my daughter is... then escort her home. Sounds pretty good to me!!! She is "homesick" for Haiti and is really looking forward to going and spending a few days basking in the sun..lol... I on the other hand really have no desire to go, but would obviously go if I had to.

I have been thinking of the benefits of this plan and they seem pretty good.

- I would be healthy and well rested when she got home. (no chance of getting the travel bug!)

- As a family we could all participate in her homecoming.

- Ty would feel like a complete part of the process and wouldn't be resenting me for leaving and coming home with his new sibbling.

- Steve and I would have 3 extra days together re-bonding after such a long time away from each other before we become parents of 2.

- I could fully complete Ty's therapy in class sessions. (if I miss 1 session I would have to start the entire course again.. no exceptions)

- I wouldn't be alone when I see her again.. we would all be together anticipating her arrival.

The big con would be of course trauma to Tamaya. Her life will change drastically in one day. She will go from everything she has ever known to everything being different. She will go from my friend to us. I am sure she will morn the loss of her nannies and home... but I really think regardless she is the one that will be going through the most changes and if we are all healthy both physically and mentally we will all be more helpful in her transition.

Jeepers creepers I always feel like I over analyse everything..lol It's really hard to make such BIG decisions.

With Tamaya not being home yet, it's really hard to put her at the same "love" level as Ty. I love Tamaya... but not the same yet. My first instinct as a mom is to protect Ty's hardship and his transitions. I know the minute I have her in my arms and am her forever mom that love will be equal, but until then she is like a picture of my future child. The one I long to hold and love everyday since the beginning of her adoption 20 months ago.
I know these are all very natural feelings... I guess it could be compared to a pregnancy, when you are expecting and anticipating your baby's arrival, you love your unborn child, but once you hold your baby it all comes true.. the bonding begins and your heart is committed for life... but until your child is in your arms your heart is slightly guarded. Until she is home I have boundaries on my love for her, I have to to keep on living, to keep on trying to keep my emotions in check... If I loved her completely there is no way I could of waited this long without loosing my mind! It came close a couple times... but...

So the point I was clearly trying to make with this babble.. I hope I am making this decision clearly and in every ones best interest. In this situation I cannot please/do the right thing for everyone and it sucks..but someone has to do it.. right?

Good night..lol.. I need to sleep!

Thank you Memere and Pepere...

My grand-parents sent over a Valentine for Ty with my parents. Ty got a nice sweater (the one he is wearing in the picture), a spider man chocolate valentine, some stickers & a card with money so we can go for a dinner date at McDonald's... Merci Memere et Pepere. De: Ty!

Ty's Super, duper good kid page is filling up. He has earned a whole bunch of stickers for being so great.

We got quite a bit of snow yesterday. I'm sure when Steve hears this he will be thrilled!!! So... today I have to get out and shovel the 6 feet.. Oh, I mean 6 inches..lol. I will take advantage of this and bring Ty sliding out in the back yard. He NEEDS to waste some energy! He is too happy to have his grand-parents and tante Lynn over and has been quite energetic since they walked in the door..lol

Ty's super, duper good kid page!!!

During our stay at my parents house, my dad would always tell Ty "your being so good... let me take your picture." Ty has really taken to this and has been constantly asking me to take his picture so he can see himself be good :-) Of course I have also used this method when he is being "silly" and he says "no mom, don't take my picture" and *usually* he will change his attitude pretty quickly. Here are some pictures of Ty being good!!!

He found his ski-doo hat daddy bought for him... thank goodness because the other hat he has is wayyyy to small and although this one is a little big it at least fits his head

I'm amazed at how intelligent he is. Yesterday after his bath while I was creaming him, he noticed a couple cream containers. When he was potty training a couple years back I had put stickers in the container. He asked me to see inside. He said "mom, where did the stickers go?" I asked him if he would like to have another sticker page and we worked on it this morning. He has already earned 2!!!!He wanted me to take a picture of his watch!

Picture of being a soldier!
Blurry, but tooooo cute!

Beautiful, fun days...

Mommy take my picture...

New fake smile!

Mommy take another one...

Ty make your big eyes...with a smile :-)
(When I ask Ty if he is tired I ask him to make big eyes so I can check inside and see...lol)

Ok that's funny make them bigger so I can take another picture...

All I've got to say to my dear son... wait till your wedding!!! I have so many good pictures of you that you will pay for all the embarrassing things you have done to me throughout the years..lol

I have been having so much fun being a mommy. Being off work and being able to enjoy my days with with Ty are just simply awesome. Today we made some Valentines for my parents & my sister. They are coming tomorrow and I suggested we make something special for them. He chose different color papers a blue for papa Dan and purple for maman Pauline... then I got some stickers for him to decorate with.. All of a sudden he said "and I need one for ma tante Lynn." (His aunt Lynn..My sister) How cute is that, I was just thinking of my parents and my little guy thought about his aunty too... :-)

Tonight as I was driving home Ty said "mom, your the best mom in the whole uniberse.. "UNIVERSE" jeeezzz what a way to melt my heart. I told him that it was easy to be the best mom in the universe because I had the very best kid in the universe. I am really enjoy him again!

I still find it amazing that the answer was right under my nose. I was so focused on disciplining him and how to do that effectively to change his behaviors when all I had to do was nurture him, enjoy him, guide him and most of all show him my appreciation.

Family and Children's Services Part 2...

We had a follow up appointment today. Our "file" was given to a different worker than the one originally here. (This one actually has children of his own!!!)

He asked me if I took the lock off.. I explained that yes I had and that it was NOT working for me. And that I had put another child proof door handle thingy on the door. He gave me the hairy eyes balls and I simply said let me explain... I said "I was told by FCS that it was not illegal unless it was used maliciously and it being harmful to my son." I said "I have absolutely nothing to hide. I am a GREAT parent and my job is to keep my son safe." I explained that it is no way used to put him to sleep, nor does he get ignored in his room. I told him that I have always and will always run to Ty if he needs me. The lock is there to simply get him back to bed once he has been awakened between 1-4am. If he is unstimulated he falls back asleep. Nothing more... nothing less. It's the truth!!!

I also explained that the 1-2-3- magic tape that was recommended for Ty's discipline (from our other local place) also said that if a child refuses to stay in his/her room for their time-out to put a lock the door. I explained that when Ty is in a time-out I put him in his room for the 3 minutes and if I do not, or if I place him anywhere else for his time-out I become his punching bag and I refuse to be abused by my 3 year old.

He seemed very impressed that we had already been seeking help. He had already heard of the program we are in and has heard nothing but great things from it. I told him that I have received quite a bit of useful information already and we are now starting to be at a point of learning strategies. He does not see the need keep being involved. He is going to follow up with the centre I am already with to get their opinion on us and to make sure they think we are getting the right help for Ty, but he felt very strongly that it wasn't necessary to have help from all sides and that I have been doing what I need to be doing for the time-being. I explained that once Steve is home... (my light sleeper,) that we will remove the lock from the door... but until he is home it is staying on because I need to keep my son safe.

So all in all the meeting went well. I felt I adequately explained myself and my intentions without being emotional. I felt he understood my intent and that he agreed that as a mother I am responsible for keeping him safe. He also added it was not the "best" way, but at this point it seemed like the logical thing to do... (for now)

He also recommended I get in touch with my doctor to get a referral to a pediatrician so that I can ask him for a sleeping aid for Ty...(we talked about Ty's drug sensitivity... getting super hyper on any medication) The problem is not getting him to sleep, it is keeping his asleep. Put a lock on the door and Ty goes back to sleep...or drug my child to sleep. Hummmm??? I don't know I think I rather use the lock???? I feel like I already have it under control without using drugs...

Once Steve is home and we are back to "normal" parenting my intention is to get the lock off the door... but I need Steve to be a part of this process to make it effective!

So in closing... I am glad that this can become a part of the past. I certainly did not like feeling judged, nor did I need this in my life..lol. But at least today I felt like I was understood! My intent, and my parenting was understood... I no longer have to "prove" myself to them!!!

My Valentine...

I don't have my Valentine with me this year. It is not the first and it surely will not be the last. However, I thought this post could honor my wonderful hubby even from afar.

This cute little monkey was a gift from Steve a couple years ago for Valentines day!!! Yup Steve thought it was funny to take a picture of it with a drink :-) This picture reminds me of such great memories we have formed throughout the years!




100 things I love about Steve...

1. He is a beautiful person inside and out

2. He is funny

3. He would do anything to try and make me happy

4. He is a super, duper dad

5. He is respectful

6. He is shy

7. He loves his family

8. He helps out

9. He is a good provider

10. He eventually gives in..lol ;-)

11. He is a loyal and true friend

12. He makes me happy

13. He pretends he doesn't know how to do things to get out of them

14. He is very even keyed

15. He is Ty's Super Hewo... and mine too!!!

16. He is a great cook

17. He does dishes

18. He does laundry

19. He is "romantic" in his own corky way, but I LOVE IT!

20. He is full of surprises

21. He is attentive to my needs

22. He is child like

23. He is serious

24. He is an outdoors man

25. He is confident

26. He love me

27. He is passionate about his work

28. He is a great provider

29. He loves his dog.. especially during commercials :-)

30. He startles me... just to make sure my heart is still healthy

31. He's a great kisser

32. He makes me feel special

33. He has always supported me in my decisions

34. He will defend me

35. He loves snow way to much

36. He loves his hunk of junk truck and is very proud of it

37. He doesn't like change, but will step out of the box to make us happy

38. He leaves his work at work

39. He got a tattoo of our sons name on his arm

40. He makes me relax

41. He thinks he is still 20..lol

42. He is big and balding (cute, cute, cute!)

43. He is quiet

44. He is genuine

45. He is faithful

46. He is intelligent

47. He is strong

48. He does yard work!!!

49. He is my prince charming

50. He always buys me my favorite chocolate and a card on every special occasion from the pharmacy ;-)

51. He encourages my independence

52. He doesn't argue

53. He is protective of me

54. He is a procrastinator at home... (even more than me!)

55. He is an active dad with Ty

56. He agrees with me on parenting

57. He does not allow our son to disrespect me

58. He has the best laugh

59. He is mischievous

60. He has the cutest butt

61. He has very strong feeling about his facial hair... it might be love?

62. He leaves me love notes

63. He tries to get me drunk to try and take advantage of me..lol

64. He gives me compliments when I hint I need one..lol

65. Am I at 100 yet?, he is gentle


66. He is one of a kind


67. Life is never boring or dull when he is around


68. He makes great spaghetti sauce :-)


69. He is a hard worker


70. He lives his life one day at a time


71. He is stress free


72. He smells goooooood, I miss his smell


73. He hugs me just for the fun of it


74. He is NEVER late for anything... always too early

75. He tell me he loves me everyday


76. He trusts me to make good decisions for our family


77. He is willing to compromise


78. He always tries to make it better


79. When he lies/fibs he has a twinkle in his eye that gives him away


80. He is happy


81. He has a dry and sarcastic humour


82. He think he's cool..lol


83. His smile is contagious


84. He pretends to like my cooking..lol


85. He is original ;-)


86. He likes going to wal-mart ;-)


87. He enjoys going for nice long drives for nothing


88. He is thoughtful


89. He has a GREAT heart


90. He has great values and morals


91. He is a great bizzer (gentle rubbing with the top of his fingers on my back)


92. Everyone that knows him like him


93. He is content with life


94. He has a great shoulder to cry on


95. He makes me feel special


96. He does things just to annoy me.. just 'cause he loves me!!!..lol


97. He will kiss and make up because he doesn't like when I am mad at him


98. He is without a shadow of a doubt the BEST man for me


99. My life with him is fantastic & I couldn't ask for better


100. He puts up with me..lol





I miss you my love! Valentines day sucks without you! It would have been nice to get some chocolate and a card from the pharmacy!!!.. and have a nice dinner for 2 tonight (Oh wait a sec.. it will be.. just me and Ty...lol) You owe me a "romantic" night when you get home for missing out on this one. only 2 weeks left babe!!! Only 2 weeks and I will get to hold you and tell you 500 times a day how much I love you and how much I missed you. I am really proud and thankful to have you in my life. You are the best hubby in the world. I am truly blessed and thankful that you are my man and I get to spend the rest of my life with such an awesome, gorgeous, good smelling man... (ect, ect 100 other things!) Thank you for all that you are!!! I love you and miss you....xoxoxoxo MUAHHHH! Happy Valentines day!


p.s. Your call made my day!

Be my Valentine...

Because Ty celebrated Valentines with his nursery school today I figured it would be suitable to celebrate with him today as well. I gave him his spider man valentine as well as his superman cape. I also made us a special lunch... A BP and banana wrap with some caramel sauce drizzled inside. It was yummy..lol

My valentine from Ty...

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Hanging out with Misty...

Superman...

Superman flying...

NO MO Pop up Pirate...

Well... Here is the post about Pop up Pirate... (just for my dear friend Sylvie.) Yes the darn thing startled me yesterday morning. What is it with kid games these days... ;-) The little pirate flies out pretty high too... I'm waiting for the day I not only get startled but I get the pirate in the eye and I will a sporting the pirate patch..lol. At least with Buckaroo there was no chance to injury.. (well actually I guess there is when all the little pieces come flying out. HAHAHA! )

We tried the Dora game last night but he had no real interest in playing it the way it was intended. I was hoping to encourage him to count..lol (ya right!) He just took the little figurines and climbed all the ladders and went down the slides. I let him have fun with it, but I'm sure it was not as fun as the "scare the crap out of mom" games.

Ty and I have been using our imaginations. I am official "supermom" and I save him from his bunk bed..lol. I have bought him a superman cape for his valentine. He wanted to be on TV... so I will hook up the video cam up so we can make a "superman" movie together. He is tooooooo amazing. REALLY!!!

We have been having such GREAT days. I am amazed really at how well things have been!!! It's amazing what I noticed when I was "back" jeeezzz I guess my life and stress got the best of me. I feel so great. I know I seem to keep repeating myself... but I get it. I get my son. I am finally back to such a great place with him. Instead of focusing on "how to fix him" I have been loving him and just letting him know how wonderful and great he is. This time with him alone was what I wanted and needed. Some one on one... just to let him know he is my world, that I appreciate him and that it is so fun and wonderful to be his mommy. He has really opened up and THIS is the boy I once knew. The easy and fun to parent Ty. I'm back to what used to work. I am able to diffuse a would be meltdown before it happens with a little coaxing and PATIENCE!!! I have decided to really let some stuff go. (yes mom, I'm not being so anal..lol)

I know we have a little road a head of us... but my hurt little boy is certainly healing with the constant love and listening his mommy is providing. I am present! What a little blessing I have! Thank goodness as parents we are easily forgiven for not "getting it."

On the adoption front... we are very close to getting her home (within the next few weeks she should be home!!!). I'm just trying to make a plan of action of what we are going to do in terms of getting her home. I am considering having her escorted.. maybe just to Miami and that way I can still use my Air Canada credit, but not be in Haiti. My "travel partner" has had some delays and we are no longer at the same stage... I do have another potential travel partner but she will be going through the US.. I think this could work. I will start making some arrangements and watch everything fall into place soon :-)

NO MO' Buckaroo...

Yesterday afternoon brought on some fun. I got Ty to get ready to go outside so I could shovel the driveway. There wasn't too much snow so it was easy to do. Once I was almost done Ty asked me to pull him in his sled. So off we went for a little walk while I was being his chauffeur..lol.

Once we arrived home I decided to bring him sliding in our backyard. We have a big hill just up the road at a sandpit, but I find it quite big for Ty... and I am always afraid to go down the darn thing. So I improvised. We have a small hill just off our back yard which is nice and we slid for quite a while. I was not prepared for a day of getting full of snow. My jogging pants were soaked when I came in...but it was worth the fun and joy of having such a great time with Ty. When we came back inside I hooked Ty up with some hot cocoa, and a snack. We started watching the Superman returns movie and he fell fast asleep on the lazy-boy.

Ok... I love buckaroo, BUT... there are just so many times you can play the thing without feeling like a nervous wreck every time he bucks.. and I really think Ty is now making him buck on purpose to scare the daylights out of me..lol. I went shopping today and added a couple more games to our collection, I bought Dora's chutes and ladders and a pop up pirate game. We didn't have the chance to play them yet, but I'm very happy I will now have some variety with the board games.

Yesterday while I was sitting in my chair snuggling Ty I couldn't help but get chocked up. We haven't really started anything concrete with the therapy yet, but just reading a couple things really made sense to me. I had so many ah ha moments and I really find that his fits are less heavy, and we are back to something great. I am actually really enjoying being his mom.

I finally feel so stress free. I really feel like my life is in order again. I have everything under control. I feel like I am on top of the world and me again!!! I'm so happy I took this time off to reflect and just take some mommy and Ty time. We really needed it!

It's a beautiful day outside...

My Ty is tooo amazing. This morning he looked outside the window and said "Maman, It's a beautiful day outside." Too cute!

It's one of those nice snowy days. The snowflakes are big and slowly falling to the ground. (Honey.. guess what?.. It's snowing out..lol)


MY dear hubby has been obsessed with "did it snow" and "how much snow has fallen". He is really looking forward to going snowmobiling when he gets home. :-)


Last year we splurged and got him his dream snowmobile. We now have 2 sleds and were supposed to enjoy going for family rides..lol. Well apparently I am not too in love with going.


Last year I decided to go for a little boot with my girlfriend (My fearless girlfriend) I was going at least 30-40 km per hour which seemed pretty darn fast to me. Then she decided to go up a little snowbank. She took it slow and almost got stuck. So I thought.."hmmm.. if she is going slow and getting stuck, I will take it fast to avoid getting stuck there" Well... I gave the sled a lot of gas and gave it my all... I went up the bank alright.. I got some good air and apparently your supposed to hold on when you do that... because off I went flying. I guess it could of been worst. Oh wait, it was!!! Steve and his buddy Bob were across the street looking on and were talking about whether I would take the jump...(I was unaware that it was even a "jump") Bob said oh I think she is.. Steve.. nahhh she won't and off I went. So... I guess I looked pretty funny, I was embarrassed and my ribs were hurting so bad the first couple minutes that I thought I may have broke something. So ever since my first "incident" I have been a chicken with the sled and I take my time... even to the point when I see a little bitty bank, I am so afraid and get off the sled and get someone else to go over it for me. Steve's famous line is just never let go... just hold on tight!!!

Steve and Ty last year on his machine!

My beautiful body launcher...

p.s. Steve this was just a post to make you even more homesick ;-).. Oh and for making fun of my spelling mistake..lol.. We miss you babe and can't wait to see you on your sled enjoying being home! 18 days!!!!

TO DO LIST...

So I have started my new daily routine ;-). This morning I tested it out to see if it would work and wouldn't you know it did!!! I feel GREAT both mentally and physically!!! It was nice to start my routines with an already fresh house!!!

I managed to do everything on the morning routine list in less than an hour. Ty loved helping! He did the load of laundry (well he helped..lol.. if he was able to do laundry all my problems would be solved ;-). He help make beds and my house is fresh and blingin'.

Because I did this all before 8am, it left me time for a coffee while checking e-mail/reading blogs and I didn't feel guilty for sitting here because everything was done already. I dropped Ty off for nursery school and had nothing to do..lol. So I figured I may as well clean the van out and vacuum it out. IT WAS COLD..lol. We are -22 with the windchill!!
Now I have an hour to spare before my dear son comes home. I will make a big pot of pea soup and get the load of laundry in the dryer.

Once Ty is home from nursery school the plan is to start getting his valentine cards done up.!

I have added my precious "routine" for your viewing pleasure.. ;-)

(Oh by the way Steve.. This is no way excludes you from chores. The "Sunday" will be yours to enjoy... just 'cause I love ya babe ;-)

Night time routine;

- Ty’s bath
- Make a pot of coffee for the morning
- Turn on the dishwasher
- Make sure no clothes is left in the washer/fold put laundry away
- Tidy up
- P.J.’s
- RELAX

Morning routine;

- Make beds
- Put coffee pot on
- Shower, get dressed, do hair
- Sweep & wash floors
- Quick washroom once-over
- Take something out for super
- Empty Dishwasher
- Load of laundry
- scoop
- Do “extras”

Extras

Monday: vacuum carpets in bedrooms/area rugs

Tuesday: Kitchen scrub, Groceries

Wednesday: Change bedding

Thursday: Dust, windows and mirrors, vacuum - main floor/ clean out van

Friday: Garbage, washrooms major scrub

Saturday: “what ever else needs to be done” – (No "extra" day once Steve come home!)

Sunday: Dust, windows and mirrors, vacuum - basement. Vacuum stairs. (Steve’s). What ever else needs to be done – (Sue)

*** “Whatever else needs to be done” includes, fridge, stove, walls, corners, junk drawers, organizing, paying bills, blah blah blah..

Allo...

Things have been going great ;-) I didn't realise I didn't blog for so long.. 2 whole days...lol

I finally feel like me again. I feel rested, on top of things. Not addicted to finding news about what is going on in the "adoption" world. I'm happy that my hubby is coming home soon, that my baby is on route and that I have nothing in the world to stress about right now.

I have had a few issues with Ty. But they were minor. I have managed to get my house back in order and have caught up on laundry. Yesterday was a day of running around and today I haven't stopped. I have yet to write my schedule, but I have been checking out the flylady.net site and it has all kind of cool tips for keeping a clean house. I generally don't have a house keeping problem, however my daily routine has changed so much that I think spreading out my "jobs" will make life easier.

I received an adoption update. I guess I must of misunderstood how this next step worked. I was told I would be in the ministry of interior a week after I was signed out of court. I was informed that they got Tamaya's adoption degree from the archives and I am going to assume this means we are now on our way to go into the ministry? On the up-date e-mail this seemed to be good news so I guess I'm going to go with that and think it's great..lol..

I did e-mail back and ask from more clarification and what we are looking at in terms of time-line. I'm obviously very aware of "Haitian" time lines and how they NEVER ever go as planned, but I am looking to have a better clue. I keep looking at the calendar thinking "oh that would be a good time for her to come home" Best case scenario she and Steve will be home neck and neck and we will have the time he has off (a month and a half) together as a family. If not, I will have to do some convincing for Steve to take some parental leave :-) (right honey..lol.)

My hubby is coming home in 3 weeks and 1 day. It's so nice to be able to finally see the light at the end of my 2 stressers... :-) :-) Now that the end is so near I am starting to actually think about everything and what that will entail. I can't wait to get Tamaya home, but I am getting nervous about being a mommy to 2. I am really expecting Ty to have some BIG issues about her joining our family.

Well I'm going to get my kiester parked in front of the tube for some mind numbing TV!

A bientot mes amis!

It's Buckaroo time...

Ty and I have been spending so much one on one time and it has been nice. :-)

Today was a nap free day and believe me it wasn't from a lack of trying on my part.

This evening was OK. I actually expected Ty to be a little more cranky, but he was actually pretty darn good considering both of his little eyes were in the same whole and bloodshot.

We organized the playroom, we got his room back to par and have a few game of the great buckaroo. It was nice to spend that time with him.

I usually get Ty to pick a book for his bedtime story, but tonight I decided to just tell him stories. It was fun and he thought it was so funny! I used him as the main character and he thought that was GREAT!!!

Tonight I plan on making myself a schedule. I am not used to having all this time on my hands and find I can leave it until the next day, or next week..lol

It's nice to be home and just focusing on Ty and I, but in reality I am not on vacations... well I guess it depends on the day and how I feel!!! ;-)

I had my home and shores so much more in order when I had the daycare because if I didn't do it while I had the chance I would never have the chance to get it done. Plus I "needed" to have it clean because I would have the daycare parents drop them off and pick them up.

If I can get everything done within the 1st hour I am up it will leave the whole day for Ty and I to enjoy! I will assign myself daily shores and won't have to get bombarded with doing it all on Sunday. Kinda makes a whole lot of sense to me... now lets just see if it will work :-)

Starting Wednesday I will get my stuff together... making beds in the morning and all...lol

I know a clean house is overrated, but I feel so much more "together" when it is blingin' I don't feel like I am procrastinating and I feel like I have a hold of my life...

This, that and the other thing...

Wow.. these past couple days where filled with fun and laughter.

Yesterday was the 1st day of the trauma therapy workshop. I found it very interesting. They talked about different trauma's that can occur and most of the time the therapy involves trying to deal with the event... In this workshop we do not deal with the event, but the trauma caused by the event. I left wanting more and wished it was a weekend workshop so I could get alllll the info right away.

I had a few things to read when I got home and after reading it I think the goal will be to foster trust in the hurt child. To re-attach. It's funny because upon reading that I had a lot of "Ah ha" moments.... which made a lot of sense. A lot of things in the article were very basic common sense things that unfortunately sometimes as parents we forget about. We seem to get so consumed with the child and the behaviors and spend so much time "thinking" about how we will fix it instead of looking at the child and just being there... present and doing things to foster trust so they can open up.

I like the fact that this therapy consist of 3 different stages. A. In class, B. parent and therapist, C. Child, parent and therapist. The "course" is not group therapy it is class information that we will use at home with our children and not personal sharing of events which I REALLY like.

We are thought to be the children therapist at home and given the tools of how to deal and heal our traumatised child.

This morning Ty had his support out troops parade with his nursery school. He had a great time and kept singing "we are the looosers" and everyone was in stitches laughing. Man oh man...

Explanation; This morning I was reading my regular blogs, (click to view- Dave's In my head blog ) and Ty was sitting next to me. It was a post on the famous group Queen. He had a you-tube of a live performance and my dear, dear son decided to try to sing the words... " I just about chocked on my coffee when he started with " we will, we will f*ck you" I gave him the hairy eye balls and explained that THAT was NOT the words of the song??? and it was rock you... then " we are the champions" song came on and he started singing "your such a loooooser" and of course again I told him it was "no time for looosers". I knew by the way he was singing it all morning he would embarrass the hell out of me and of course he did... how in the world do you explain that :-) I will try and coax him to sing it tomorrow and get it on video to upload to you- tube!!! He sang it allll day, alllll night and I even caught myself doing dishes and singing the champion song... Thanks Dave..lol

Ty NEEDED a nap this afternoon and I am so glad I caved and gave in. He was so much better behaved and much more rational. Tonight we even had a basement picnic and baked cookies (I let him do most of the work and you should see the look of these bad boys... the recipe was for 2 dozen and he made 6 cookies with the batter..;-).

I think I will re-evaluate quiet time and have him have quiet time in his room. It was really nice to have my "normal" Ty back and actually enjoy being his mommy. I may just make sure his naps are short.. no more than 30 minutes.

Today was one of those perfect mother & son days. The ones that make you sit back and say "YUP... this is what it's all about". I even had a comment this evening while we were out getting our subs that Ty was so well behaved and such an intelligent little guy!!! Of course I didn't tell her "it's about freaken time..lol" I smiled and was actually very proud of my little guy and his behavior! I told her that 'yes, he is pretty special and such a great little man" He then turned to me and said "Yup mom, and your cute" I can certainly take that!!!..lol

Therapy Fridays...

Today is the day we finally start. Between snow storms and them cutting the group in 2 I finally start the trauma program today :-) I woke up before my alarm.. the clock was still at the right time... maybe it has auto corrected itself??? My crank clock no longer cranks, which I found quite amusing before bed last night... What in the world is it with me and gosh darn clocks???

I'm excited to see what the program will entail. It's a series of different part. The 1st 6 sessions are in class. The the others portions will be more geared to Ty specifically, then to the "intense" therapy portion.

I will certainly update when we get back. I don't know if I am more excited about it finally starting or if I am just to excited to finally be in a group of adults and Ty be in free daycare.. :-) Hmmmm maybe that was a sign that I need a life..

I have been missing working outside the home lately. Once Ty is in school full-time in the September if I feel like Tamaya is well adjusted I may go outside the home to work. I really miss the social interaction.. but we will see... I may put that on hold and wait until she is in school. I still can believe how fast time has gone by since Ty has been home and that we are actually almost at "school time" with him...

I best get my kiester in gear.. I would hate to be late, because I am more than famous for that.. right Steve. :-P

One month to go...

Only a month left of this deployment and I will have my hubby home :-) It feels like it's taking forever. It's nice that it will be over and done with soon enough.

Ty is REALLY missing Steve. Well me too, but it cuts much deeper when I hear my little guy asking me questions...

The other day he asked me "why does papa have to be in Afghanistan?" I tried to make it as cool as possible for him. I explained that daddy was there to get the bad guys and that he was a hero.. He said "a super hewwo ?" I said " Yup.. your daddy is a hero and is getting the bad guys so we can be safe." He then proceeded to say that when he is big he will be a soldier too... and you know, what ever he chooses to be will be OK by me.

Today was quite the day... I'm starting to think my nap elimination was a silly plan... I will try again tomorrow and see where it brings me. Today was a very busy day and I think Ty got so over tired that it was to much for him to handle. I also think he would have been ready to go to bed for the night at 5:30-6:00. He had nursery school this morning and then we went for about an hour plus walk in the afternoon... I will have to try to keep his activity level down for a few days and maybe stimulate him more after supper. He started getting silly on the walk and I was debating putting him down for a nap, but I thought I would be tough..lol.. Yeah well I paid the price tonight. I will look at this as temporary and if in a week this schedule is not working I will try and tweak it a little... I may actually try and put him down earlier 6:30ish and see if that works out better for him. If he is going to continue sleeping 13 hour nights that would work... but it could back fire and get him up to early that he may really need a nap.. Oh I guess I will have to review my manual and see what it suggests.. HA!

I had the oil tank/water heater guy over today :-( we will have to replace our stinking water tank. Every time I use the hot water there is a residue in it... the water tank guy said it was more than likely water residue build up and or rust. I'm not going to worry about it until Steve is home and we can look at out options. We may even just switch to gas if it makes sense financially???

I feel like this blog has been all over the place. When I am tired I babble and you have now all been privy to that!!! I think I burned myself out as well with all the daily activities.

Good morning...

It's a beautiful morning. My Ty is sleeping full nights and so am I.

Ty has been trying to eliminate his naps and has been in the vicious cycle of napping one day and not the other. ( because of his obvious all nighters) Of course when he does not nap he gets CRANKY when he gets tired around 5. This is when I put my "patience hat" on and give it another go. I force him to stay up I keep him super duper busy and force him to stay up until 7. It has obviously worked because this is day 2 and he is still sleeping and was NOT up during the night for 2 nights now. I actually had to wake him up this morning at 8:30...SO hopefully with a very strict sleeping routine I can get this to be his "new" normal schedule... wish me luck.. ;-)

I am keeping my fingers crossed that this is the end of his all nighters because I really don't know if I can do anymore of them.. I am refreshed and honestly back at a very stress free time in my life. I still have some obvious hurts about the whole thing, I feel like I need the trauma therapy.

Jeeezzzz it stills blows my mind. I guess if it didn't bother me deep down I wouldn't be normal.. right? I have always been a very proud mom, and lately that's all I have been... a mom. And to have my parenting questioned HURT, it embarrassed me, it was a slap in the face, my pride shattered. I have since picked myself up... got my pride back and am the GOOD mom that I have always been. Like I have said I have always been my own worst enemy when it came to parenting because it is so complex. When I am not a "prefect" parent by being cool, calm and collected 24-7 I judge myself. I feel I am not allowed to be less than perfect.

But it's OK. This experience has really made me look deep down.. it has brought on a different confidence in me. I do not spank my child, I do not abuse or neglect him. He has a devoted family willing to do absolutely everything in our power to advocate for him and give him the best life we possibly can... So... in a nutshell I am a damn good mom and everything is alright.

I have gone from "oh well, someone was concerned and they made the call out of love" to HOLLY CRAP.. Thank god I don't know who this schmuck is that called because I am ready to show up at their house at 4am with a child not being able to fall back to sleep and b*tch slap them)

I know I did nothing wrong and that the worker pretty much apologized for coming, but it was the way I felt inside. The way I felt like someone took all I was away. The way I had to sit there and try to prove to this man that I was the best mother I can be... all while being an emotional wreck because he was in my "messy" home!

Well I better get going... I have to get Ty ready for nursery school and come back and fold some laundry.. HAHAHA! At least now my house is back in order and I have my spirit back!!!

Again THANK YOU all for your support.