I have really been struggling with this post. I guess when I really start thinking of what to write about such an intense, personal experience my mind start over thinking and all of a sudden I was also having to deal with issues surrounding my feelings, and how attachment issues and adjustment affects our family. Anyways I am ready to re-start this post for the umpteenth time and hope this one doesn't get deleted or neglected.
Tamaya's attachment is coming along. She seems to be much more secure and less traumatized than Ty was/is. She responds well to "normal" parenting and doesn't fight my parenting... however she certainly does TEST it from time to time, but I feel at this point it is normal testing boundaries as opposed to trauma reacting. She has had a few moments of a "fight", but with a whole lot of consistency and perseverance she did eventually give in!
I have been feeling more like a "trainer/teacher" than a loving mom with her. Setting clear boundaries is very important in attachment, it helps with feeling secure -however I am having a hard time find a good balance between quality time/bonding time and teaching.
Don't get me wrong, I LOVE her immensely, but I know it's not at the deep level it should be. I am certainly working on my bond to her as well... I guess that would be part of the whole adjusting on my part. I have thought about it long and hard to try and figure out WHY it's not all the way there yet and I have come up with a few theories that I am still trying to get to the bottom of, but I have come up with a plan to get me closer to her ( I will keep you posted as I go with what we are doing in terms of that)...
We are slowly still working on her bond/attachment to Steve. She does go to him, hugs him and knows he is her papa, but for now I am THE ONE that she runs to.. It has been stressful/busy on me and gives me limited time to refresh and unwind which is so important for me to function at my best..lol
We are working on some of her anxious attachment... She is getting better and better every time I leave (which has not been for more than 20 ish minutes, unless Ty is home because she seems more ok with that.. also this has only been with Steve as I don't feel we are ready for an outside babysitter any day soon!)... We are working on some play therapy, and me leaving more often for short periods of time to show her that I do always come back. I do not hide that I am leaving from her and let her know I am going for a few minutes and where I am going... and that I will come back. It seems to help that we have used that with Ty and he says 'Yeah it's true Tamaya, mom always come back"..lol
The great thing about Tamaya is that everything we have to work on I see sooooo as so obvious and because I have been through/still going through so much with Ty I feel much more attuned this time around...
So all in all things are not perfect and rosy- far from... but I do feel like things are coming together. Our experience bringing our 2 children home have been so different and in so many ways. With Ty it was love at first sight. He was a good "superficial charmer", (and still is actually in the presence of others) extremely needy, and developmentally delayed to the point he was more of a "baby" which made the bonding easier for me as he was very dependant...His issues came out a couple years after he came home which made them harder to detect until they were wayyyyy out of control.
I feel like as though we are getting somewhere and that things are coming together slowly but surely.
Some links that I have found interesting...
http://www.a4everfamily.org/
http://www.attach-china.org/
http://www.reactiveattachmentdisordertreatment.com/childattachchecklist.pdf
Saturday, November 10, 2007
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5 comments:
I read this article just the other day - I think it should be a must-read for all adoptive parents. http://www.rainbowkids.com/ArticleDetails.aspx?id=536
I certainly appreciate your frankness about the complexity of parenting older adopted children (as opposed to young infants). I believe that closeness and love come out of sharing routines and crises and proximity. Just being around someone, caring for their needs, and getting a little positive feedback sort of evolves into an intense connection. I was never comfortable with the idea of "love at first sight."
Thank you so much for your honesty.
Thank you so much for sharing. I continue to prepare myself for what is to come in the near future. It is so helpful to read your thoughts and how you are approaching it. Thanks for sharing the articles too. Those were great. I know I can't look at this adoption through rose colored glasses. I know it's going to be hard and I can already see some issues we will have to deal with when our kids come home. The list that you posted was a confirmation to me that we have a long road ahead. Like you said, it doesn't mean I don't love them. It's because I love them that I am willing to tread through the mud with them.
Sue, with two kids you are also comparing your love for them. Ty has been part of your life for over 4 years now. Tamaya only a few months. That deep love will come and it probably did not come that fast with Ty either - you just did not notice the difference with the first one and you do with this second one....
As long as she is not pushing you away - the love will come...
It took me about two weeks to fall in love with Douby but probably a few months more to consciously realize that I would give my life for him!
Patricia
Wow thanks guys for all the support!!! I do in fact hope that my honesty will not only help others feel "normal", but will also help me deal with our adjustment as well. Your support and non-judgement means a lot!
Patricia you made such a great point! It's so true, I have been "comparing" my love for my 2 children. But we have had years of parenting Ty, of course I can't expect it to be the same yet... Thanks for pointing that out!
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