My dear, sweet Tamaya,

Waiting for you to come home has taught me more about myself than I could have possibly ever imagined. I have had combinations of such intense emotions, from excruciatingly painful moments to utter and complete bliss, from absolute adoration to deep and painful anticipation. I have felt tremendous happiness to extreme sorrow. I have felt moments of complete despair, not knowing how or where I would find the strength or energy to wait an extra moment… somehow I have, I get an extra little burst of patience that helps me get through a few more days.

Some days I have waited gracefully and other days I have waited miserably. I have really tried to have extra patience during this unexpected lengthy delay. Sometimes I have faltered and have had to learn from my mistakes, Oh, how I have had to learn the hard way. I have had to look deep down into my soul for guidance. I have cried for you, missed you and longed for you more times than I thought I possibly could. I have had to reassess all that I thought I was. I have seen anxiety in me that I never knew existed. I have not been proud of the way I have eagerly waited for you… but how does one wait for the greatest gift of our child to come home? How do I sit here knowing you are miles away from home and pretend my world is complete when it is not? How am I supposed to shield my heart from loving you and not missing you so? I have tried believe me, I have tried, but my heart simply longs for you and I can’t change that.

Waiting for you has been one of the most difficult things I have had to do. The thought of you being apart from us for so long hurts my heart and soul. Since the moment I laid eyes on you my heart felt an immediate connection, the first time I held you I felt overwhelming love… I felt motherly love, the kind of love that is inexplicable and feels so intense. Once you are home that love will only intensify, I will be able to love you fully, completely, unconditionally… without constraints, without fear. I miss you daily, I think of you constantly. My heart longs for you in ways I have never thought it could.

Some days I feel lost without you, as a big part of my life and my heart is missing. I walk into your empty room and wonder when the time will come for you to join us. I have sat on your bed, with tears running down my cheek, praying and wishing you home. I have really tried to wait more patiently, more gracefully, but my heart reminds me of you constantly. It pains me to think you are miles away with no end in sight.

I know you are worth every painstaking moment of this wait. I know I would wait triple the time if it meant I had the honor to be your mom. It is hard, so hard to stand by and watch you grow up without us… It is so difficult to know that I am missing these days with you. I feel as though this is my time with you that is being robbed, my time taken away from parenting you, teaching you. I want to be your mommy now and forever. I want you home so bad. I want to see you with your father and brother. I want to be your full time mom and never miss you like this again.

My sweet princess, someday you will be home and this wait will be a distant, yet unforgettable memory. Someday I will finally have you in my arms and be able to love you only the way a mother could. It will have been worth it, YOU are worth it.
Until you are home, safe in my arms, I will continue to have both good and bad waiting days; I will have days where I will wait gracefully and other days where I will wait miserably.

One thing I can promise you, no matter how much longer it takes, no matter how many good and bad waiting days I have, I will not give up. The one thing I know without a doubt is that I will continue to wait… because someday the miracle of you coming into our lives will come to fruition , and that day will be one of the most beautiful, memorable and miraculous days of my life.

With love,
Maman

Nursery school is almost out...

They made hats...

Riding on a pony...

("Mommy look, he's brown like me. His name is Tyrone too")


Playing in a tree...

Happy as can be...


Got his new shirt that he made...

Got his certificate and a little album with pictures of the past year...
Having a picnic...

Then we went to the park for some play time ;-) We had such a great day and I REALLY enjoyed our day together!

Congratulations are in order...

My dear hubby came home with a commendation today. He has received the top Bbr (Corporal) of his regiment. The CMBG proficiency award is presented annually by the commander to those members of the brigade who exhibit the highest standards of leadership, dedication, and soldiering ability in their rank level in each unit.

Congrats honey! WE are very proud of you!

Today was another busy day... I had an oil change appointment, went out for lunch with Ty and my mom (she got in last night and stayed today to have some time with Ty (and I? right mom???) We went to a nursery to get some flowers for my planters, nothing seemed nice. We ended up seeing a fruit and veggie place that had some really nice hanging baskets so I took the lazy way of doing my planter this year! My little man helped a little.. Then was mesmerised by one of the older kids riding his bike up and down the street!!!





On the weekend I had found some little treasures at pier one.. (OH MY I could spend a small fortune in that store. I LOVED most of the stuff!) I was looking for something for Tamaya's shelf. I found that grass stuff and the vases I found at wal-mart. I really like it!

Finally a pic of my baby girl...

I was pleasantly surprised when I opened my in-box and a picture of my sweet baby girl was there. It had been over 2 months since I had received a picture of her so it was a greatly appreciate!!!


p.s. Je t'aime Tamaya!

Changes...

I have been doing much better since my last post.

Thursday I was in much better spirits and woke up feeling refreshed and ready to wait some more...Ty and I hung out all day. We had a GREAT time. We did some shopping and bought some stuff for the "stop waiting plan". I got us some water balloons, a t-ball bat, a bird house to paint. My mom came up on Thursday evening and Friday we headed to Ottawa for the day, my little sister met us there. It was nice to have a nice girl day, we did a whole bunch of shopping and went out for a nice diner. We were going to go out to see a movie, but opted to rent one in our room instead. It was nice to spend some MUCH needed time away.

On the way home I had some time to think... I've decided to change the way I've been doing things, yet again. I've decided to unsubscribe to the adoption chat groups, until she is home. I feel like the less I know about the "rumours" or people coming out, the better it will be for my sanity. I have prearranged that when we are out of the ministry my adoption liaison will call me. That in itself has lessened the "hovering over the computer" and making my life easier instead of waiting.

I really can live without the stress and unnecessary anticipation. If that plan doesn't work... I'm going to disconnect the Internet (EXTREME MEASURES..LOL)

I have also decided that I will journal about our fun days!!! I have my camera in my purse and plan to photograph our fun activities ;-) I may only get to it every few days... but I'm sure you all understand!

ARGHHHHHH...

I can't take this anticipation, it's driving me bonkers!!!! I swear if I don't hear news soon I will be found in a dark corner rocking back and forth!!!

You see...I was doing great until I had a little glimmer of hope planted. It's the "hope" that does this to me every time!!!

Fingers and toes crossed...

Our weekend was nice and relaxing. Our guests stayed an extra night so everyone decided to stay in on Sunday night, order pizza and rent a couple movies. I tried to convince everyone that we should all go to the drive-in, but they all though it was toooo cold... last year every time I made the decision to go it was either raining or the movies playing were not ones of interest. Someday.. maybe this summer at some point I WILL go!!!!

The kids trashed the place... so you know they had a GREAT time!!! It was nice for Ty to get to know my godson. It had been too long since we saw them last.

Sunday Steve and I got the house back in order, YUP you heard right, Steve actually helped. He is getting better, not even close to fully recovered but at least now he is helping out where he can. It makes such a huge difference to have some help.

Today was a nice productive day. I dropped Ty off at nursery school, went over to my girlfriends for coffee, came home folded my 2 loads of laundry and actually put them away. Went and picked up Ty from school and went to pick up Tamaya's bench. While I was there I was browsing the store and found a little treasure. They had a crib quilt with some of the same material as the set I bought for her bedding. It was one of those WOW things. Of course I couldn't leave it behind and purchased it to be an accessory for her bench. All of the dollies and toys I have accumulated in the bottom of her closet are now exactly where they belong.
We came back home unloaded the stuff and went out for lunch. I was going to bring Ty to the library but he was tooooo tired. Tomorrow is going to be another good "stop waiting" day

Her bedding/curtains.

Check out the PERFECT match, I love the fact that the material in the hearts are complimentary as well!

The bench, her dolly, teddy, new quilt and existing pillow.

The full view with the bench, shelf and mirror.

Now all we need is the baby. Hopefully tomorrow we will get the good news that we are OUT ;-) Our orphanage director has an appointment with the MOI guy tomorrow... so I'm asking all of my faithful friends, family members and readers to please cross your fingers, pray, or send positive vibes his way... it's been tooooo long and it's time for her to come and be with her loving family!!!

My "stop waiting plan"...

To make my life fun again I've decided to make a list of a whole bunch of outdoors activities I would like to do with Ty. I'm thinking it would be cool to put all the ideas in a "hat" so he can pick a few at the beginning of the week and we can plan which days we will do what.

Help me out...k? :-)

So far I have;

the library
parks
kids zone (a kid play land thing)
ice cream
picnic
beach/pool
visit Stephanie. 'cause she has some pretty cool toys and make good coffee..lol
mini hike
buy and plant some flowers/veg just for him to care for
fishing

That's what I have so far.. if you can share fun activities you do with your little ones or have a suggestion it will be GREATLY appreciated! You can post your ideas in the comment section below... or if your one of my *SHY* readers you can e-mail me privately..lol

Hope your all having a great long weekend. We are enjoying a visit with some old friends (they are gone to bed... just in case you were wondering what I am doing blogging while we have house guests..lol)as well as taking it easy, Steve, Ty and I are probably going to go to the drive-in tomorrow night!

Nothing like friends coming over to give you the motivation to get the house done..lol.. Oh and my laundry is all folded and put away. It only took me 2 weeks to fold the 10 load mound. I think more people should say they are coming and maybe, just maybe, my laundry issues will be a thing of the past. Maybe!

Belonging...

I have always been honest and up front with Ty about his adoption story and how we became a family. I have always felt that if he heard about his story right from the beginning of his arrival home he wouldn't be in shock about certain words. (Adoption, Haitian parents, his skin color, etc.) I have always felt that our conversations regarding this subject have been age appropriate and very positive.

Recently he had made a comment that had me *thinking*. I have usually initiated the conversations, but lately he often talks about his Haitian mom. I have always thought I was prepared to answer any of his concerns, questions or comments. When he flat out, unexpectedly said, "Mom, I don't belong with you and daddy, your skin is white and mine is brown. I belong with my maman Marie (His Haitian mom) I was speechless, I had NO IDEA what to say, it felt like forever before I got over the initial shock of his "complex" question.

As the wheels in my head were turning, thinking of an appropriate, positive way to acknowledge and address his "concerns", but still keeping it at an age appropriate level and, and, and... The first thing out of my mouth was that he DID belong. That even though we were different colors that he IS our son and we love him soooo very much. I explained that it did not matter if we looked different on the outside that we are a family and nothing could and would ever change that. I told him many families were different and that is OK. I gave him a few explanations of different family make-ups, and explained that it STILL made them a family and they all BELONGED together. I addressed his comment about belonging with his mom Marie, I explained that his Haitian mom loved him very much, and because she loved him very much she chose to have him LIVE and have food and school and all the things she couldn't provide for him. He seemed very satisfied with my answers and went off to play. I, however have been thinking of this for days now. Did I say the right thing? Did I confuse him? Should I have said this that and the other thing?

I must admit that was one of the hardest comment/questions yet and he is only 4... What will I do when he is 9-10-19??? He has been asking questions about his Haitian mom as well as making up stories involving her. At first, I thought it was appropriate for him to “include” her in his stories, but then I found that the truth of what life could have been like was important for him to know and I didn't want to over glorify "what could have been" I wanted him to focus more on the fact she cared deeply about him that she made the choice to place him for adoption with us. He would say things like “my maman Marie would have bought me this… or my brown father has a dodge like daddy.”
He also used “well, my maman Marie wouldn’t be upset with me like you are right now, put a smile on your face"

I wish I would be able to say the right thing at the right time. I find myself speechless a lot of the time when he mentions her. I acknowledge his feelings; I let him know it must be confusing to know he has 2 moms and one he doesn’t know. I tell him that she is always with him in his heart….if I can provide the specific info I certainly share it with him (like when he went in to the O, how he became a part of our family).

I WISH I had more info on his Haitian family so that I could give him more info... that I would have at least one picture of her, that I can find her and let Ty know if a reunion is even possible when he is older, one conversation with her. SOMETHING, ANYTHING!!!

As an adoptive mom I find it difficult to have all the right answers, say the right thing. I most certainly want to honor his Haitian roots and will always make an effort to convey the importance of being a proud Haitian-Canadian, His Haitian mom will always have a special place in our hearts and I also want her to be an important part of our family...I also, equally want him to feel like he belongs, here with us, that he is LOVED 100% and that we are a family.

Unfortunately we live in a world that is less than perfect. In a perfect world his Haitian mother would have had the means to provide for him. She wouldn't have had to make the decision to place him for adoption! But in that same sentence, in my perfect world... he is OUR SON and part of OUR family.

I've got wheels again...

My life is changing right before my eyes. I have my van back. I have my freedom back. Being house bound was less than desirable. I *ALMOST* forgot what it was like to be free.

The truck has finally been at the mechanics and is working. I am hoping the truck stays "healthy" enough to get us through the summer months. I would HATE to have 2 vehicle payments, but ol' Betsy has seen better days. Our once new and good looking truck is looking worn, and old. She is rusting, she has lost her heat and voice (radio) She has a lot of issues. She has certainly seen better days and is in need of some MAJOR TLC. I think it's time Steve learns to be a mechanic?!? Maybe once he gets his garage he can tinker around with her... HINT HINT.

If there was one thing I could change about my dear husband it would be that he would be a little more handy. (It's the big joke around here, he is perfect for me in every other way, but he is certainly lacking the skills of a handy man... he often joke about trading me in at 40 for 2 - 20 yr old's and I joke about trading him in for a handy man.)
I come from a family of tradesmen. My grandfather is/was a carpenter, my father is an electrician, my uncle is a architect and contractor. Everyone seems to know how to do things... Jack of all trades. My hubby, well, he has no desire or know how and I have lots of ideas :-) I guess you can even go as far as saying that I am handier than him, and that's pretty bad. If we lived closer to our family this would all be a non-issue 'cause my daddy could do it all for us, or at least show Steve how to do it... right daddy??... (when are you coming dad? Have I told you how much I love you dear daddio!)

A little bit of sun...

Mother's day was GRAND!!! My hubby treated me like a queen for the day. I awoke to a nice fresh pot of coffee and bing-banging in the kitchen. He did the dishes from the night before (yes, I was slacking!!!) A mother's day card was sitting on my laptop table, it read;

For a warm and caring wife

With thoughts of caring
things you do,
with wishes meant for
all year through,
with lots of love
because your you-
A hug for Mother's Day

Have a wonderful day

Love your husband and son

p.s. We will see on getting a new bedroom set

We will see on getting a new bedroom set? We will see...lol.. Sounds like something that may or may not happen! Today is my hubby's birthday... I guess I will see if he deserves his gift? ;-) (HAPPY BIRTHDAY STEVE!!!)
The funny part is, I know what he meant by it. We are out of indoor living space and he wants to wait until we have the garage up (His b-day gift..lol) before we replace our existing set so that we can put the set we have in in the garage and he can use the dressers for tools/junk?

This summer will be spent doing a lot of outdoor projects. (HINT, HINT.. family members you know we love having company RIGHT!!!)... The plan over the next couple months (or years) are to build the garage (priority), build a deck on the front of the house, fence the backyard and make it look pretty with a stone sitting area with a pergola, numerous gardens... maybe a pond? A kid specific area etc, etc, etc
I don't know if you noticed but I do dream BIG.. ;-) All that with a broken hubby?!?

Over the years we have concentrated on getting the inside done. Now it's more than time we get our outdoor living space the way we want it. It only took us 7 years to accomplish the inside! Maybe we can manage to do the outside in less time.

I guess I got off subject getting all excited about my summer projects... back to mother's day now...

We spent the entire day outside. My cheeks and nose are sun kissed and still feeling warm. Ty rode his bike, played with his friends. I socialised back and forth between the neighbors across the street and the ones next door... Steve worked on drinking, mowing, raking and fertilizing the lawn. I bet he is HURTING today. I told him he shouldn't rake the yard, but the stubborn man HAD to. For supper Steve BBQed a rack of lamb, eggplant and zucchini (YUMMY!!) it was a perfect end to a beautiful day!

Because I spent the yesterday doing nothing but having fun I have my Sunday cleaning to do on Monday :-( I guess I should get 'er done!

Oh yeah and... Our orphanage director managed to get 2 files out of the Ministry of Interior last week. The 2 files were brought in the same day as mine (5 in total were brought in that day, 12 weeks ago) So I hope we see the next 3 come out SOON. I called the O director on Saturday. We had a bad connection, but she did say she has seen my file, it was approved and ready, but yet to be released :-( I can't imagine how frustrating it must be for her. She said she hoped it would be a few weeks. I'm not sure if she meant a few weeks to be released or a few weeks and she will be ready to come home?!? So I will put my patience hat back on, hope for the best and try to forget about it all while the time passes by, it can't be toooo much longer!?!

No news yet...

Still no news, but a couple days ago I had a nice cry while talking with Steve and it relieved a whole lot of pressure. I have been feeling refreshed and hopeful again. I am too calm right now which is really nice. I guess I'll be good for another couple weeks ;-)

Our orphanage director has now authorised us to get our government involved in getting some resolution to this problem. There is a group of us Ontarians part of a can-Caribbean group that are going to lobby on this side with letters and phone calls.

This is a really "hard" thing for me. During the end of Ty's adoption we tried so hard to get help from our government. We had local MP's involved, immigration, the media, etc. involved. All we needed was Ty's Canadian Visa so that he could come home. He was legally ours, had his Haitian passport and NO ONE COULD or WOULD help us (the Canadian Embassy in Haiti was closed and the workers evacuated out)... Haiti was in the middle of coup d'etat/civil unrest. So as much as I believe a joint effort is great, I also don't want to relive the disappointments we endured when we had to go through that mess... I will certainly do my part.. send the letters, make my phone calls in hopes it may make a difference, but I just don't want to be consumed with it all. I guess once bitten twice shy!

_______________________________

On another note... Ty has been doing better at t-ball.. Not a pro yet, but certainly learning the rules of the game!

Today we had a really nice day with his nursery school. They had a visit at the fire station that TY LOVED!!! He was so cute getting dressed up kid size fireman gear, assisting the firefighter with the hose, going for a ride in the firetruck... It was priceless!
He had noticed the firefighter had a Canadian flag on his uniform and told him" my daddy has a Canada too, but my daddy is a soldier, and he was in Afghanistan. My daddy is a hero and YOUR NOT!!!" OH MY GOSH CHILD!?! OK, so I chuckled, then he was explained that they were hero's too..lol

We had such a nice mommy and Ty day today!

__________________________

I've been slacking on the blog and I apologize... I just been deep in thought and trying to resolved a lot of issues in my head about my life, the adoption, blah, blah blah... I don't want this blog to become an adoption complaining, pity me journal of useless garble.

YouTube / Haiti

My friend created this video and though I would share it with you all...

OK c'mon man...

My gosh, this anticipation and the lack of advancement on our file is getting the best of me. I feel it's so so close, it has to be. I feel I will get news any moment and it's driving me bonkers. I feel like a prisoner to this adoption and I can't wait to be set free and move on. I feel like I keep repeating myself... worry, get out of the funk, get back on track with a good attitude, wait... repeat.
My life has been on hold for soooo long! This is getting old and I may actually need therapy once she is home because of the shock I will endure from it actually happening..lol

My hubby is waiting wayyyyy to patiently which is a royal pain!!! I wish I could be more like him. His words of wisdom usually consist of " there is no use in stressing about it, there is nothing we can do" or " she will eventually get here" or " we did sign up for this" Man oh man oh man!!!

I feel like this blog has been a repeat of the same subject of "waiting" for far too long. I'm sick and tired of complaining and feeling anxious... I'm sick and tired of feeling bad that I feel these feelings. This is just sooo hard to deal with and I just wish it would just end already.

Maybe I just need a good cry, some more "self motivation-talk" and at least I'll be good for a few more days...

Lovely Sue day...

Yesterday I had such a nice day. I got a haircut, it was long overdue, I also got my eyebrows riped out... I mean waxed and enjoyed a day of shopping ALL ALONE.

I hit all my favorite stores in record time. No Ty demanding attention, no Steve giving me the "are you almost done yet" look. Just a day of looking at whatever I wanted to, for as long as I wanted :-) WOW, I'll have to go shopping unassisted more often. I *ALMOST* forgot what it felt like.

I went to a furniture store looking for my future bedroom suite. I found a couple that I liked, but I will continue in my search.

I went to a locals kids clothing store and bought Tamaya a couple summer outfits, bought Ty a nice shirt.

I also went to the country cupboard (a country knickknack place) I'm getting Tamaya a deacon's bench made for her bedroom that will also double as her toy-box. We designed it to match her bed frame.

I have dye in my hair and I'm sure my timer is just about to go off so I better get going before all my hair falls out or something ;-)

I leave you with my SNEAK...

Was someone playing with my camera?!? This morning I was uploading some pics and had a little bonus video...LOL

And another week passes by...

Another week has gone by without any advancement. Hmmmm?!?! It is sure to come soon, maybe next week..lol ;-) Maybe the week later, but either way, I do know she is going to be a part of our lives forever. I really miss her these days. I miss her smell, (well except when she needed a diaper change 'cause that is just plain ol' NASTY) I miss her giggle, he soft hair, her snuggles, I miss everything about her.

I have to admit that occasionally I get the "scared" holly molly feeling that I am actually going to be parenting 2 children. That my parenting will be brought to a whole different level. I am hoping Ty and Tamaya will give me a "honeymoon" period for at least a week while I find my way into a routine.

Well I better get ready, I am going shopping today and I am going all by myself!!! I am finally getting OUT of the house...Yippppeeeee What shall I buy?!?

Sue
feeling a little housebound

BIG OL' THANKS...

I have made some pretty amazing friendships over the years with my dear adoption friends. It seems that every time I am having a bad waiting day someone seems to uplift me by a simply sending me a "thinking of you e-mail", I have never been made to feel bad when I'm having a near anxiety attack because of my non-patience... always MAJOR support and a pat on the back to say.. "It's OK and very normal to be frustrated"

A BIG HUGE THANK YOU to Ruth, Lisa, Holly, Nadia, Jamie, Patricia, Marcia, Linda and all of the AP group. Thank you for having taken time to give me a pat on the shoulder, a call, a e-mail & your friendship. You are truly an amazing bunch of people and I truly admire and appreciate our friendship.

My boy?!?!?!?!

Allo, Allo? ...Anyone there?!?

Our dear Ty started his first year of t-ball. My son, my son, my son!!! Apparently we will need to work on his "skills" and teach him the rules.


He decided to make up his own game as he went along which consisted of him catching the balls and running with it while the coaches frantically ran after him. At one point he even went right to the t and stole the ball and ran?!? At least I had a good laugh. Steve on the other hand was embarrassed by his behavior... LOL. I think the only reason I chose to laugh was because in all honesty, I am so used to my son doing VERY silly things that if I don't laugh I would CRY... :-)

__________________________

Out of the butts of babes...

Yesterday Ty was pulling on the dogs tail. I explained that it really hurts her and that he would not like it someone pulled on his tail... "mom (as he was giggling) I don't have a tail silly". "I know Ty", I exclaimed, "but if you did and someone pulled on it it would hurt."

A few hours passed...

"Mom come look... I have a tail." He screamed from the washroom! Yup... he indeed had a tail of a few feet of toilet paper stuck between his butt cheeks. How could I not laugh... my boy :-)

_________________________________

I awoke this morning from a "nightmare". It was awful and one of those dreams you awake to and feel it is real.

I had received an updated list of the progress on our adoption file. We were the only one that had not made any progress. I called everyone frantic for information and all they could tell me was that they did not know why, but assumed we we're denied the passport... HOW AWFUL, thank goodness it was all a bad dream.

I am HOPEFUL that this week we may get some info. I am itching to go get her and start our lives together. I am so tired of walking into her empty room. It is still so fresh and "not lived in". I want to see her toys scattered around, her little warm body in her bed sleeping and my sweet princess home... I can just picture it all and it gives me warm fuzzy's. I know there will be many of those happy awwwww tears once she gets here.

______________________________

I don't have much planned for today. I am vanless since Steve is back to work which SUCKS the truck is needing a mechanic and my hubby has the van... and even if the truck worked Steve still couldn't drive it because it's standard and his leg/back can't handle it. I HATE driving the truck because of my "shortness" but at least I would have wheels..lol Oh well... maybe I should make the mechanic appointment myself!?!

I may get some yard work done since it's a beautiful sunny day and looks like it may still stay cool enough that my yard work may be enjoyable...lol