My dear, sweet Tamaya,
Waiting for you to come home has taught me more about myself than I could have possibly ever imagined. I have had combinations of such intense emotions, from excruciatingly painful moments to utter and complete bliss, from absolute adoration to deep and painful anticipation. I have felt tremendous happiness to extreme sorrow. I have felt moments of complete despair, not knowing how or where I would find the strength or energy to wait an extra moment… somehow I have, I get an extra little burst of patience that helps me get through a few more days.
Some days I have waited gracefully and other days I have waited miserably. I have really tried to have extra patience during this unexpected lengthy delay. Sometimes I have faltered and have had to learn from my mistakes, Oh, how I have had to learn the hard way. I have had to look deep down into my soul for guidance. I have cried for you, missed you and longed for you more times than I thought I possibly could. I have had to reassess all that I thought I was. I have seen anxiety in me that I never knew existed. I have not been proud of the way I have eagerly waited for you… but how does one wait for the greatest gift of our child to come home? How do I sit here knowing you are miles away from home and pretend my world is complete when it is not? How am I supposed to shield my heart from loving you and not missing you so? I have tried believe me, I have tried, but my heart simply longs for you and I can’t change that.
Waiting for you has been one of the most difficult things I have had to do. The thought of you being apart from us for so long hurts my heart and soul. Since the moment I laid eyes on you my heart felt an immediate connection, the first time I held you I felt overwhelming love… I felt motherly love, the kind of love that is inexplicable and feels so intense. Once you are home that love will only intensify, I will be able to love you fully, completely, unconditionally… without constraints, without fear. I miss you daily, I think of you constantly. My heart longs for you in ways I have never thought it could.
Some days I feel lost without you, as a big part of my life and my heart is missing. I walk into your empty room and wonder when the time will come for you to join us. I have sat on your bed, with tears running down my cheek, praying and wishing you home. I have really tried to wait more patiently, more gracefully, but my heart reminds me of you constantly. It pains me to think you are miles away with no end in sight.
I know you are worth every painstaking moment of this wait. I know I would wait triple the time if it meant I had the honor to be your mom. It is hard, so hard to stand by and watch you grow up without us… It is so difficult to know that I am missing these days with you. I feel as though this is my time with you that is being robbed, my time taken away from parenting you, teaching you. I want to be your mommy now and forever. I want you home so bad. I want to see you with your father and brother. I want to be your full time mom and never miss you like this again.
My sweet princess, someday you will be home and this wait will be a distant, yet unforgettable memory. Someday I will finally have you in my arms and be able to love you only the way a mother could. It will have been worth it, YOU are worth it.
Until you are home, safe in my arms, I will continue to have both good and bad waiting days; I will have days where I will wait gracefully and other days where I will wait miserably.
One thing I can promise you, no matter how much longer it takes, no matter how many good and bad waiting days I have, I will not give up. The one thing I know without a doubt is that I will continue to wait… because someday the miracle of you coming into our lives will come to fruition , and that day will be one of the most beautiful, memorable and miraculous days of my life.
With love,
Maman
Waiting for you to come home has taught me more about myself than I could have possibly ever imagined. I have had combinations of such intense emotions, from excruciatingly painful moments to utter and complete bliss, from absolute adoration to deep and painful anticipation. I have felt tremendous happiness to extreme sorrow. I have felt moments of complete despair, not knowing how or where I would find the strength or energy to wait an extra moment… somehow I have, I get an extra little burst of patience that helps me get through a few more days.
Some days I have waited gracefully and other days I have waited miserably. I have really tried to have extra patience during this unexpected lengthy delay. Sometimes I have faltered and have had to learn from my mistakes, Oh, how I have had to learn the hard way. I have had to look deep down into my soul for guidance. I have cried for you, missed you and longed for you more times than I thought I possibly could. I have had to reassess all that I thought I was. I have seen anxiety in me that I never knew existed. I have not been proud of the way I have eagerly waited for you… but how does one wait for the greatest gift of our child to come home? How do I sit here knowing you are miles away from home and pretend my world is complete when it is not? How am I supposed to shield my heart from loving you and not missing you so? I have tried believe me, I have tried, but my heart simply longs for you and I can’t change that.
Waiting for you has been one of the most difficult things I have had to do. The thought of you being apart from us for so long hurts my heart and soul. Since the moment I laid eyes on you my heart felt an immediate connection, the first time I held you I felt overwhelming love… I felt motherly love, the kind of love that is inexplicable and feels so intense. Once you are home that love will only intensify, I will be able to love you fully, completely, unconditionally… without constraints, without fear. I miss you daily, I think of you constantly. My heart longs for you in ways I have never thought it could.
Some days I feel lost without you, as a big part of my life and my heart is missing. I walk into your empty room and wonder when the time will come for you to join us. I have sat on your bed, with tears running down my cheek, praying and wishing you home. I have really tried to wait more patiently, more gracefully, but my heart reminds me of you constantly. It pains me to think you are miles away with no end in sight.
I know you are worth every painstaking moment of this wait. I know I would wait triple the time if it meant I had the honor to be your mom. It is hard, so hard to stand by and watch you grow up without us… It is so difficult to know that I am missing these days with you. I feel as though this is my time with you that is being robbed, my time taken away from parenting you, teaching you. I want to be your mommy now and forever. I want you home so bad. I want to see you with your father and brother. I want to be your full time mom and never miss you like this again.
My sweet princess, someday you will be home and this wait will be a distant, yet unforgettable memory. Someday I will finally have you in my arms and be able to love you only the way a mother could. It will have been worth it, YOU are worth it.
Until you are home, safe in my arms, I will continue to have both good and bad waiting days; I will have days where I will wait gracefully and other days where I will wait miserably.
One thing I can promise you, no matter how much longer it takes, no matter how many good and bad waiting days I have, I will not give up. The one thing I know without a doubt is that I will continue to wait… because someday the miracle of you coming into our lives will come to fruition , and that day will be one of the most beautiful, memorable and miraculous days of my life.
With love,
Maman
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