Belonging...

I have always been honest and up front with Ty about his adoption story and how we became a family. I have always felt that if he heard about his story right from the beginning of his arrival home he wouldn't be in shock about certain words. (Adoption, Haitian parents, his skin color, etc.) I have always felt that our conversations regarding this subject have been age appropriate and very positive.

Recently he had made a comment that had me *thinking*. I have usually initiated the conversations, but lately he often talks about his Haitian mom. I have always thought I was prepared to answer any of his concerns, questions or comments. When he flat out, unexpectedly said, "Mom, I don't belong with you and daddy, your skin is white and mine is brown. I belong with my maman Marie (His Haitian mom) I was speechless, I had NO IDEA what to say, it felt like forever before I got over the initial shock of his "complex" question.

As the wheels in my head were turning, thinking of an appropriate, positive way to acknowledge and address his "concerns", but still keeping it at an age appropriate level and, and, and... The first thing out of my mouth was that he DID belong. That even though we were different colors that he IS our son and we love him soooo very much. I explained that it did not matter if we looked different on the outside that we are a family and nothing could and would ever change that. I told him many families were different and that is OK. I gave him a few explanations of different family make-ups, and explained that it STILL made them a family and they all BELONGED together. I addressed his comment about belonging with his mom Marie, I explained that his Haitian mom loved him very much, and because she loved him very much she chose to have him LIVE and have food and school and all the things she couldn't provide for him. He seemed very satisfied with my answers and went off to play. I, however have been thinking of this for days now. Did I say the right thing? Did I confuse him? Should I have said this that and the other thing?

I must admit that was one of the hardest comment/questions yet and he is only 4... What will I do when he is 9-10-19??? He has been asking questions about his Haitian mom as well as making up stories involving her. At first, I thought it was appropriate for him to “include” her in his stories, but then I found that the truth of what life could have been like was important for him to know and I didn't want to over glorify "what could have been" I wanted him to focus more on the fact she cared deeply about him that she made the choice to place him for adoption with us. He would say things like “my maman Marie would have bought me this… or my brown father has a dodge like daddy.”
He also used “well, my maman Marie wouldn’t be upset with me like you are right now, put a smile on your face"

I wish I would be able to say the right thing at the right time. I find myself speechless a lot of the time when he mentions her. I acknowledge his feelings; I let him know it must be confusing to know he has 2 moms and one he doesn’t know. I tell him that she is always with him in his heart….if I can provide the specific info I certainly share it with him (like when he went in to the O, how he became a part of our family).

I WISH I had more info on his Haitian family so that I could give him more info... that I would have at least one picture of her, that I can find her and let Ty know if a reunion is even possible when he is older, one conversation with her. SOMETHING, ANYTHING!!!

As an adoptive mom I find it difficult to have all the right answers, say the right thing. I most certainly want to honor his Haitian roots and will always make an effort to convey the importance of being a proud Haitian-Canadian, His Haitian mom will always have a special place in our hearts and I also want her to be an important part of our family...I also, equally want him to feel like he belongs, here with us, that he is LOVED 100% and that we are a family.

Unfortunately we live in a world that is less than perfect. In a perfect world his Haitian mother would have had the means to provide for him. She wouldn't have had to make the decision to place him for adoption! But in that same sentence, in my perfect world... he is OUR SON and part of OUR family.