My special son...

I have been struggling with Ty and his behavior for some time now. He initially was a very easy to parent child and our parenting was effective. A gentle "no, please don't touch that" was enough to get his attention and to stop. When Ty turn 2.. actually the day of his birthday no less. He started acting up, normal 2 year old behavior of pushing to see how far he could go. A time out did the trick and off he went.. When Ty was about 2.5 he decided to take this to another level. His time outs became tantrums/meltdown. He would have his "cry" and I of course would run to him to console him for attachment reasons. His behavior over the past year has escalated tremendously. He swears and tells me to fuck off, shut up, anytime he is being disciplined. He hits me. He trows things at me. He is very aggressive...He is so out of control it is honestly scary. I have tried a few techniques to lessen the meltdowns and thus far nothing has work to alter his behavior. He is very bold and tries to be in control of everything. I have had specialist in my home (like a super nanny)to observe where I can make changes and she just kept saying that I was doing good.."your a great mom and I can't even think of anything to suggest" she would say leaving me in a very confuse state :-( Ty was then evaluated by an attachment specialist and we were later told that *I* was doing exactly what they were looking for. After all this testing happened they suspect he has preverbal trauma and in order to meet with a Dr. specialising in early trauma we had to have him tested to make sure he is mentally at his age level.. well he passed that and I am hoping we can have some help dealing with him.
I know my son was neglected and I suspect most of our issues are of a hurting little boy.. I just wish I had the tools to make it all better.
Often when he is having a melt down I will sit in front of him and take him in my arms hold him tight and tell him that it doesn't matter what he does, or says that I will always love him and I will always be here for him. He then has a good cry and things seem to be better...
The last few days he has been especially difficult... I find these days exhausting. (My big reason for less blogging ;-)
Today for example I gave him a time-out after a warning, he then started telling me off... I told him that if he didn't stop he would be finishing the remainder of his time-out in his room because I will not be disrespected like that.. "oh ya, fuck off" he told me. I carried him into his room while he was kicking and screaming and told him that if he came out or played with the door he would get locked in. He of course open the door and slammed it twice. I locked the door and needed to hold it because of the force he was using. When he yanks the door like that it bust the hook and eye right off. He finally calmed down after 10+ minutes and I gave him and extra 3. I told him his timeout was done and that when he was ready he could come out. He yelled NO and a few minuted later came out and told me he didn't like it when I gave Riley (the daycare baby) hugs.. I was lost for words.. this was the first time he ever expressed any verbal emotions. I felt like we finally had a break through and that he finally able to verbally express what he was feeling. I explained to him that I understood that must be hard for him to see and although he may not like it that it is my "job" to take care of Riley that I do daycare.. and that part of my job is to give hugs to the daycare children when they need them... just like daddy is in Afghanistan helping other people. I told him that although I hug the daycare children that he is our son and he is extra special in our heart and that the other children were not our special family.. just mommy, daddy, Ty and Tamaya are our special family... and he was OK with that.
After he was up from his nap today he said that he thought he had lost me. I told him that I would be here for him forever and he screamed a YIPPPPEEEEE.. I hope that now that his vocabulary is coming that we can start working on ways to verbalise his feelings and help us get through this...