I am sitting here thinking of all the things I could talk about... I feel everything I do or write needs a full explanation because I am so scared that someone will take something out of context. I feel like being honest and putting myself out there leaves room for misinterpretations by strangers not REALLY knowing me. I hope this feeling goes away soon. I am sure with time I will get back to the same ol' me...
In a very vague nutshell Ty is OUT OF CONTROL, sleep deprived and everything I had worked out over the last year to make my life easier with him is gone. When he is tired there is no reasoning with him.. no explaining nothing.. he literally checks out! I have had to call friends to come in to intervene after a 3 hours meltdown with Ty. He was hitting me, throwing things at me, swearing, screaming, kicking, biting. Name it he did it. This is 3 days in a row that he has awaken in the middle of the night and has stayed up because he was "stimulated"..
I called the people I have on board and asked them for help. This is NUTS he needs his sleep and so do I! Ty is hard enough to deal with without him being sleep deprived. When Ty is tired he gets SUPER hyper and extremely unruly...
All I can say is we are getting our sleep tonight!!!
Good night!!!
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
Monday, January 29, 2007
Bad to worst...
This weekend was quite eventful. I talked about loving the whole stress free life, but of course I should of known to be cautious of thinking it could be so easy..lol
I really debated on writing this post. I know I was in no shape to write it yesterday and actually thought of keeping what happened to myself, however I feel I have nothing to hide and thought this would be an opportunity for me to let it out, and have support from you as well my blog readers.
As many of you know my son and my family are my world and Ty is without a doubt the most precious, beautiful gift I could have asked for which makes this a very hard and touchy subject... so please bare with me as I poor my heart out.
Now, most of my long time readers know about Ty's all nighter's history and what I have done to keep him safe from hurting himself. I had put a hook and eye on the outside of his bedroom door because I am a sound sleeper and do what most people do in the middle of the night... I SLEEP! Ty is a very sneaky boy and knows how to do things he knows he is not allowed to do very quietly.
Saturday morning, like usual I awoke to him knocking on the door for me to go get him. He knows if he needs me he is to knock and I will come running. In the meantime he broke the eye off the door by pulling on it. Saturday night I put him to bed and was unable to lock the door because of the missing eye so I thought this was a good opportunity to test it out and see if I could trust him again. I explained the rules.
1. No sneaking
2. if it is still dark outside it is to early to be up, you need to lay down again until it is light. (he awakes at least once a night to use the potty, and will fall back asleep if he is unstimulated.)
3. when you get up, come to my room and DO NOT touch anything.
Sunday morning I awoke to Ty in my room around 4 am. I snuggled him and tried getting him back to sleep with me. He is a very particular sleeper and unless he is in a room by himself he will NOT fall asleep.
I put the TV on in my room and we snuggled until it was light out and started our day. When I got up and observed what he had done in the middle of the night I was shocked!!!
This is where is gets pretty bad. He had gone into the laundry room got a bottle of foot powder and sprinkled it everywhere. On the TV, the electronics... everywhere in the rec room. He proceed to get a pair of scissors in the drawer bring them into his room and cut his mattress cover to shreds. He then pulled a chair from his playroom to the deep freezer opened it up and pulled out a 2 foot Easter bunny from last Easter and ate 1/2 of it.
When I found all of this my heart sank to my feet thinking of all the ways he could have harmed himself. I told him I was disappointed he broke the agreement and that I could not trust him yet to be a big boy. He feel fast asleep on the couch after a longggg night.
This is where it goes from bad to worst...As I was just sitting down for breakfast I noticed a car pull into the driveway. I was also on the phone with my girlfriend getting moral support for the morning incident and asked her to hold while I answered the door. " hi Sue, my name is blah, blah.. I'm from child and family services (children's Aid for other parts of the country) may I come in?" I of course let him in and told my girlfriend I would call her back. He then told me he needed to see Ty's sleeping arrangements. I brought him to Ty's room, he looked at the "broken" lock and his room. (please keep in mind that I had not cleaned Ty's mess as we were going to do it together once he awoke) There was powder everywhere that I felt a need to explain, the plastic from the mattress cover all over his room and his room of course had toys on the ground as well. I started SOBBING...as I was thinking.. OH MY GOSH..look at this mess.. this man is going to think I am not watching him.. we sat at the table, I tried to compose myself and just listen and not cry... He offered other "solutions" to the lock and I of course felt a need to defend my position as a mother. I explained WHY it is there, that the mess he observed is because the lock was broken and he was up in the middle of the night doing this.
He started asking me questions. What parenting method I used. I told him the 123 magic with a twist. That if at anytime I felt a need to hug Ty during any of his meltdowns I do.. of course he said that was a BAD idea that I should NOT reward him with hugs if he is acting out.. What kind of training I had before we adopting was another of his ridiculous questions.. I read all the damn books on attachment disorder, but until it is right smack dab in your face, the books you read to prepare are NOTHING.
At that point I decided to take over the conversation and tell him that I would explain everything to him, then, if he had any questions I would answer them. I thought if he would ask me the questions I was going to answer them very honestly and he could take my answers out of context. I was of course very emotional and very shocked that he was here!!! But by gosh I was not going to go down without him fully understanding my intent and what I am all about!
I explained that since Ty has been home (almost 3 years ago) we have had numerous people on board with us for various issues we have encountered with him. I told him that Ty has finally, recently been diagnosed with pre-verbal trauma and that his intense therapy is starting at the end of this week. I told him that I have been actively in contact with the local counseling centre, and in order to get where we are in the diagnosing Ty's problems I have had to have my parenting observed "super nanny" come into the home.. she of course agreed I was NOT the problem that indeed my son was the problem and not my parenting. I also explained that we also have a development therapist that recently had to do an assessment on Ty to insure he was on target and that his behavioral issues were not because of a mental delay. I explain that the professionals that were on board have agreed that there is certainly something off with Ty.
He then started talking about attachment issues... I agreed and explained that Ty had suffered neglect, and possible sexual and physical abuse as a baby and of course has insecurities with that. I explained that I have done many hours of research about what I can do to foster trust and for him to feel secure... HENCE, THE 1-2-3- magic with a twist. If I felt at anytime my son needs reassurance he would get it (like a damn hug during a meltdown).. and he looked at me with a look of agreement and I finally realised that he got it. He no longer judged my parenting. He understood. He said it was imperative we get more help on board for Ty, that he needs all the help he can get and that we need to nip this in the bud before he becomes more out of control.
If your still reading..lol..
During the whole time I would have little fits of uncontrollable crying. I was in disbelief that anyone could think I would have any intentions of hurting, or doing anything unethical to my son. I had the lock on his door to protect him. My JOB as a mother is to make sure, no matter what I protect him. That I keep him safe!!!
I kept having these thoughts of someone calling thinking the poor child was locked in his room upon days, and that I neglected him, or did something to harm him, or his well being when all I was doing was protecting him. I cried and cried.
He then asked if I was stressed... FUDGE.. what do you think mister. I have a hubby in Afghan, I am at the end of a long eventful adoption, I have a difficult to parent child. The only thing I was able to do to reduce my stress was to start my parental leave early and close my daycare. (Again I started crying thinking OMG what will people think if they knew) Then I said "to put a cherry on top of all that you come to my door. YEAH I am stressed.", but sir, I am not to proud to ask for help when I need it" and he felt ok with that response as well.
Did I like having a lock.. NO!!! (jeezzz believe me when I say some days I wish he was an easy to parent child.. believe me!!!) It was a last resort... and now... instead of child proofing my son's door in his room... I will spend a few days childproofing everything I can think he can possibly do to harm himself in the house. It will be child proofed a la max and NOW, not only will that be a pain in my ass, I will also have to deal with a very OVER tired Ty, as well as be a tired mom because neither of us will get a good night sleep because someone made a FALSE assumption and felt the need to get family and children's services involved in a non-existent problem.
The worker suggested I buy an alarm for his door.. HAHAHA.. I don't think so. He has noise sensitivity issues. I honestly think that is worst than a lock and will traumatise more than a lock would. He knocks on the door and I come running... he is not locked in.. it is a deterrent for him staying in bed instead of having a middle of the night party- free for all. He NEEDS CONSTANT supervision. I also asked if a lock on the door was illegal and it is not. I have agreed to NOT lock the door. BUT.. I can say for certain if ANYTHING happens to my son because he is hurt in anyway because of this I will MAD!!!!
I have an idea who made the call. I have chosen not to be bitter or to make judgement. I can only assume the call was made based on not knowing me or Ty. Anyone that knows me knows I am the best mother I can be, that my children and Steve are my world and I would never do anything that was not in their best interest!!! Jeeezzz I am already too hard on myself as a parent because I have had moment where I felt I could have dealt with a situation in a better way... I am my own worst enemy!
I felt raw, vulnerable, I felt a need to prove myself as a mother, and most of all my pride was HURT.. real bad. It was by far one of the worst things ever.
THANK YOU mom and dad, Manon, Stephanie, and Sylvie for being there for me the last couple days... your support throughout this ordeal was exceptional and I really appreciate it, thanks for not letting me beat myself up over something that I did for Ty and knowing and telling me that I was a GREAT mom..
Steve I love your "screw them all" attitude :-) and you telling me, that I was the best mom in the world and that you knew that, meant more than you will ever know. I miss you so much love and can't wait to hold you in my arms and have a good cry...
I really debated on writing this post. I know I was in no shape to write it yesterday and actually thought of keeping what happened to myself, however I feel I have nothing to hide and thought this would be an opportunity for me to let it out, and have support from you as well my blog readers.
As many of you know my son and my family are my world and Ty is without a doubt the most precious, beautiful gift I could have asked for which makes this a very hard and touchy subject... so please bare with me as I poor my heart out.
Now, most of my long time readers know about Ty's all nighter's history and what I have done to keep him safe from hurting himself. I had put a hook and eye on the outside of his bedroom door because I am a sound sleeper and do what most people do in the middle of the night... I SLEEP! Ty is a very sneaky boy and knows how to do things he knows he is not allowed to do very quietly.
Saturday morning, like usual I awoke to him knocking on the door for me to go get him. He knows if he needs me he is to knock and I will come running. In the meantime he broke the eye off the door by pulling on it. Saturday night I put him to bed and was unable to lock the door because of the missing eye so I thought this was a good opportunity to test it out and see if I could trust him again. I explained the rules.
1. No sneaking
2. if it is still dark outside it is to early to be up, you need to lay down again until it is light. (he awakes at least once a night to use the potty, and will fall back asleep if he is unstimulated.)
3. when you get up, come to my room and DO NOT touch anything.
Sunday morning I awoke to Ty in my room around 4 am. I snuggled him and tried getting him back to sleep with me. He is a very particular sleeper and unless he is in a room by himself he will NOT fall asleep.
I put the TV on in my room and we snuggled until it was light out and started our day. When I got up and observed what he had done in the middle of the night I was shocked!!!
This is where is gets pretty bad. He had gone into the laundry room got a bottle of foot powder and sprinkled it everywhere. On the TV, the electronics... everywhere in the rec room. He proceed to get a pair of scissors in the drawer bring them into his room and cut his mattress cover to shreds. He then pulled a chair from his playroom to the deep freezer opened it up and pulled out a 2 foot Easter bunny from last Easter and ate 1/2 of it.
When I found all of this my heart sank to my feet thinking of all the ways he could have harmed himself. I told him I was disappointed he broke the agreement and that I could not trust him yet to be a big boy. He feel fast asleep on the couch after a longggg night.
This is where it goes from bad to worst...As I was just sitting down for breakfast I noticed a car pull into the driveway. I was also on the phone with my girlfriend getting moral support for the morning incident and asked her to hold while I answered the door. " hi Sue, my name is blah, blah.. I'm from child and family services (children's Aid for other parts of the country) may I come in?" I of course let him in and told my girlfriend I would call her back. He then told me he needed to see Ty's sleeping arrangements. I brought him to Ty's room, he looked at the "broken" lock and his room. (please keep in mind that I had not cleaned Ty's mess as we were going to do it together once he awoke) There was powder everywhere that I felt a need to explain, the plastic from the mattress cover all over his room and his room of course had toys on the ground as well. I started SOBBING...as I was thinking.. OH MY GOSH..look at this mess.. this man is going to think I am not watching him.. we sat at the table, I tried to compose myself and just listen and not cry... He offered other "solutions" to the lock and I of course felt a need to defend my position as a mother. I explained WHY it is there, that the mess he observed is because the lock was broken and he was up in the middle of the night doing this.
He started asking me questions. What parenting method I used. I told him the 123 magic with a twist. That if at anytime I felt a need to hug Ty during any of his meltdowns I do.. of course he said that was a BAD idea that I should NOT reward him with hugs if he is acting out.. What kind of training I had before we adopting was another of his ridiculous questions.. I read all the damn books on attachment disorder, but until it is right smack dab in your face, the books you read to prepare are NOTHING.
At that point I decided to take over the conversation and tell him that I would explain everything to him, then, if he had any questions I would answer them. I thought if he would ask me the questions I was going to answer them very honestly and he could take my answers out of context. I was of course very emotional and very shocked that he was here!!! But by gosh I was not going to go down without him fully understanding my intent and what I am all about!
I explained that since Ty has been home (almost 3 years ago) we have had numerous people on board with us for various issues we have encountered with him. I told him that Ty has finally, recently been diagnosed with pre-verbal trauma and that his intense therapy is starting at the end of this week. I told him that I have been actively in contact with the local counseling centre, and in order to get where we are in the diagnosing Ty's problems I have had to have my parenting observed "super nanny" come into the home.. she of course agreed I was NOT the problem that indeed my son was the problem and not my parenting. I also explained that we also have a development therapist that recently had to do an assessment on Ty to insure he was on target and that his behavioral issues were not because of a mental delay. I explain that the professionals that were on board have agreed that there is certainly something off with Ty.
He then started talking about attachment issues... I agreed and explained that Ty had suffered neglect, and possible sexual and physical abuse as a baby and of course has insecurities with that. I explained that I have done many hours of research about what I can do to foster trust and for him to feel secure... HENCE, THE 1-2-3- magic with a twist. If I felt at anytime my son needs reassurance he would get it (like a damn hug during a meltdown).. and he looked at me with a look of agreement and I finally realised that he got it. He no longer judged my parenting. He understood. He said it was imperative we get more help on board for Ty, that he needs all the help he can get and that we need to nip this in the bud before he becomes more out of control.
If your still reading..lol..
During the whole time I would have little fits of uncontrollable crying. I was in disbelief that anyone could think I would have any intentions of hurting, or doing anything unethical to my son. I had the lock on his door to protect him. My JOB as a mother is to make sure, no matter what I protect him. That I keep him safe!!!
I kept having these thoughts of someone calling thinking the poor child was locked in his room upon days, and that I neglected him, or did something to harm him, or his well being when all I was doing was protecting him. I cried and cried.
He then asked if I was stressed... FUDGE.. what do you think mister. I have a hubby in Afghan, I am at the end of a long eventful adoption, I have a difficult to parent child. The only thing I was able to do to reduce my stress was to start my parental leave early and close my daycare. (Again I started crying thinking OMG what will people think if they knew) Then I said "to put a cherry on top of all that you come to my door. YEAH I am stressed.", but sir, I am not to proud to ask for help when I need it" and he felt ok with that response as well.
Did I like having a lock.. NO!!! (jeezzz believe me when I say some days I wish he was an easy to parent child.. believe me!!!) It was a last resort... and now... instead of child proofing my son's door in his room... I will spend a few days childproofing everything I can think he can possibly do to harm himself in the house. It will be child proofed a la max and NOW, not only will that be a pain in my ass, I will also have to deal with a very OVER tired Ty, as well as be a tired mom because neither of us will get a good night sleep because someone made a FALSE assumption and felt the need to get family and children's services involved in a non-existent problem.
The worker suggested I buy an alarm for his door.. HAHAHA.. I don't think so. He has noise sensitivity issues. I honestly think that is worst than a lock and will traumatise more than a lock would. He knocks on the door and I come running... he is not locked in.. it is a deterrent for him staying in bed instead of having a middle of the night party- free for all. He NEEDS CONSTANT supervision. I also asked if a lock on the door was illegal and it is not. I have agreed to NOT lock the door. BUT.. I can say for certain if ANYTHING happens to my son because he is hurt in anyway because of this I will MAD!!!!
I have an idea who made the call. I have chosen not to be bitter or to make judgement. I can only assume the call was made based on not knowing me or Ty. Anyone that knows me knows I am the best mother I can be, that my children and Steve are my world and I would never do anything that was not in their best interest!!! Jeeezzz I am already too hard on myself as a parent because I have had moment where I felt I could have dealt with a situation in a better way... I am my own worst enemy!
I felt raw, vulnerable, I felt a need to prove myself as a mother, and most of all my pride was HURT.. real bad. It was by far one of the worst things ever.
THANK YOU mom and dad, Manon, Stephanie, and Sylvie for being there for me the last couple days... your support throughout this ordeal was exceptional and I really appreciate it, thanks for not letting me beat myself up over something that I did for Ty and knowing and telling me that I was a GREAT mom..
Steve I love your "screw them all" attitude :-) and you telling me, that I was the best mom in the world and that you knew that, meant more than you will ever know. I miss you so much love and can't wait to hold you in my arms and have a good cry...
Saturday, January 27, 2007
My genius...
My Ty is much more intelligent than I give him credit for. The boy is quite the negotiator. "Mom, if I clean up my toys in your room can I have some some M&M's" Hmmm... let me think about that... HELL YEAH!!!! No fuss no muss, no fighting him and no trying to convincing him.
I can certainly do bribes and feel very proud of myself :-) I even did a little manipulation of my own. When he was done in my room I made a big deal about it a praised him big time... and them told him "now all you have to do is your play room and you get your M&M's" He agreed and ran down and got 'er done :-) He must of been tired of seeing the mess!!! I think he may have even motivated me to get a few things done...lol.
My new parenting plan; BUY MORE M&M'S!!!
I have managed to get my kitchen done, supper is on the go in the crock-pot and I have a load in the wash!
my girlfriend asked me what I did yesterday and I told her the truth... absolutely NOTHING!!!
I've got to admit this is what I was hoping for when I started my "parental" leave early. Some time to do nothing. Some time to enjoy Ty, some time to do whatever I wanted. My life is just about to change again and I feel really good. I feel good and relaxed deep down. AT THIS MOMENT I feel so stress free and I love it. I am at a mellow place in my life again... no worries, not panicking, just enjoying this relaxing. I don't feel bored. I don't feel overwhelmed. I don't care if it takes me 6 hours to get something done instead of 10 minutes.. NOT A care in the world and I have to admit it feels so nice.. really nice!
I can certainly do bribes and feel very proud of myself :-) I even did a little manipulation of my own. When he was done in my room I made a big deal about it a praised him big time... and them told him "now all you have to do is your play room and you get your M&M's" He agreed and ran down and got 'er done :-) He must of been tired of seeing the mess!!! I think he may have even motivated me to get a few things done...lol.
My new parenting plan; BUY MORE M&M'S!!!
I have managed to get my kitchen done, supper is on the go in the crock-pot and I have a load in the wash!
my girlfriend asked me what I did yesterday and I told her the truth... absolutely NOTHING!!!
I've got to admit this is what I was hoping for when I started my "parental" leave early. Some time to do nothing. Some time to enjoy Ty, some time to do whatever I wanted. My life is just about to change again and I feel really good. I feel good and relaxed deep down. AT THIS MOMENT I feel so stress free and I love it. I am at a mellow place in my life again... no worries, not panicking, just enjoying this relaxing. I don't feel bored. I don't feel overwhelmed. I don't care if it takes me 6 hours to get something done instead of 10 minutes.. NOT A care in the world and I have to admit it feels so nice.. really nice!
You like?
Apparently changing my blog colors and adding a few links was much more productive than a good day of scrubbing!
While chatting with my dear hubby on-line this evening I asked him what he thought of the new look. "I don't like it" "Oh ok..lol.. why?" he's quite an honest man... not afraid to show his true feelings... " 'cause I don't like change" he said. Just like that!!! all my hard work not even appreciated..lol.
On another note about my dear hubby... he pulled his hamstring yet again. Just as his back was on the mend. The man thinks he's still 20..lol. His body has certainly been used and abused during his career. His knees are screwed, his back goes out and now he has issues with his hamstring... Maybe if he would actually give himself time to heal instead of being too proud it wouldn't be so bad. I have seen him on numerous occasions pushing himself while he was hurt in order to get a job done. He is a true team player, however I think he should make sure he heals before jumping off trucks and playing football... right DEAR?!?( You know I love you.. right? you have officially received a blog speech Steven.. don't you let me catch you doing such silly things again.. HaHaHa!) Awwww men!
I really encourage you to check out my side links. The "adoption & Haiti blogs " section is great The Livesays are missionary's Haiti, they have a great sense of humour and I have enjoyed learning about Haiti through their eyes.
The other blogs I read daily/whenever they are up-dated and are good reads. 4th Avenue blues is certainly one of my top blogs. In my head is great, always something interesting and thought provoking! Woulda, Coulda, shoulda is funny and witty! I really enjoy them all. Please take a sec to check them out when you have a spare minute!
Well it is getting late again and apparently I have things to get done again tomorrow.. HAHAHA!
While chatting with my dear hubby on-line this evening I asked him what he thought of the new look. "I don't like it" "Oh ok..lol.. why?" he's quite an honest man... not afraid to show his true feelings... " 'cause I don't like change" he said. Just like that!!! all my hard work not even appreciated..lol.
On another note about my dear hubby... he pulled his hamstring yet again. Just as his back was on the mend. The man thinks he's still 20..lol. His body has certainly been used and abused during his career. His knees are screwed, his back goes out and now he has issues with his hamstring... Maybe if he would actually give himself time to heal instead of being too proud it wouldn't be so bad. I have seen him on numerous occasions pushing himself while he was hurt in order to get a job done. He is a true team player, however I think he should make sure he heals before jumping off trucks and playing football... right DEAR?!?( You know I love you.. right? you have officially received a blog speech Steven.. don't you let me catch you doing such silly things again.. HaHaHa!) Awwww men!
I really encourage you to check out my side links. The "adoption & Haiti blogs " section is great The Livesays are missionary's Haiti, they have a great sense of humour and I have enjoyed learning about Haiti through their eyes.
The other blogs I read daily/whenever they are up-dated and are good reads. 4th Avenue blues is certainly one of my top blogs. In my head is great, always something interesting and thought provoking! Woulda, Coulda, shoulda is funny and witty! I really enjoy them all. Please take a sec to check them out when you have a spare minute!
Well it is getting late again and apparently I have things to get done again tomorrow.. HAHAHA!
Friday, January 26, 2007
Bloggin' fevah...
Ok so 2 post in one day.. only hours apart? My house is now all shiny and new.. (hahaha just kidding.. it's still a mess!... nothing has really changed in the cleaning department since the last post... oh, actually it has, I brought my garbage to the road. I'm to busy doing Steve's job's to get of mine done..;-)
I have one of those "good thinking" moments. I had a phone call from World Vision asking for my support, during our conversation I had a BIG thought.. of course this call came while I was just about starting to do my kitchen..lol. Did I use this call as an excuse to get out of my shores... you will never know!
When Steve and I starting thinking Haitian adoption we started sponsoring a world vision child in Haiti. We have since decided to donate our money differently and are providing 3 of Tamaya's Haitian siblings with education, a more direct way of being to help them.
The benefit of world vision is that they are a world wide organization and are able to provide tax deductible receipts at the end of the sponsored year. There is more accountability of how the money is used. They also provide communication between the sponsor and the sponsored child through a world vision missionary. Exchange of letters and updates of your sponsored child.
This got me thinking... If they are able to help children in Haiti... why not my child's birth-family? I am looking into this further and investigating as to how we can possible get them on the program...
A little project for me while I wait..? I have left messages with some folk up at world vision and am hoping to get more leads or information on how to pursue this and possibly make this happen ;-)
K for real now I am going to clean up ;-)
I have one of those "good thinking" moments. I had a phone call from World Vision asking for my support, during our conversation I had a BIG thought.. of course this call came while I was just about starting to do my kitchen..lol. Did I use this call as an excuse to get out of my shores... you will never know!
When Steve and I starting thinking Haitian adoption we started sponsoring a world vision child in Haiti. We have since decided to donate our money differently and are providing 3 of Tamaya's Haitian siblings with education, a more direct way of being to help them.
The benefit of world vision is that they are a world wide organization and are able to provide tax deductible receipts at the end of the sponsored year. There is more accountability of how the money is used. They also provide communication between the sponsor and the sponsored child through a world vision missionary. Exchange of letters and updates of your sponsored child.
This got me thinking... If they are able to help children in Haiti... why not my child's birth-family? I am looking into this further and investigating as to how we can possible get them on the program...
A little project for me while I wait..? I have left messages with some folk up at world vision and am hoping to get more leads or information on how to pursue this and possibly make this happen ;-)
K for real now I am going to clean up ;-)
procrastinator...
Cleaning is highly overrated.. right? you do it, it looks great, smell great, only to look at it the next day and see that it looks like it did the day before you did it. Maybe I should invite someone over and it may get me motivated to get it done..lol, At least with having all my family living so far I will not get a surprise visit and be embarrassed at the condition I have let the house get!!! I would be locking the door and pretending I wasn't home if someone was to unexpectedly show up! Steve you wanna come home for a surprise visit? Maybe you can even help me clean!!! I miss you my cleaning partner!
I was talking with a friend of mine this morning and was asked about how we are planning to do the transition in Chantaline's name to Tamaya... If it would confuse her that we are all of a sudden calling her by a different name. I don't know if I have wrote this in the blog before, but I thought I would enlighten you all on how and what we are planning.
First off we will call her Tamaya-Chantaline and eventually only call her Tamaya once she responds to it. Now here is where it gets interesting ;-)
I have a lot of respect and honor of my children's birth names. Their Haitian mothers have chosen these names for them out of love and it is forever part of them and their Haitian roots. I will NEVER deny them the freedom of being proud Haitian-Canadian's. Steve and I also found it important to chose a name for our children as it has been an important part of our process as parents. We also wanted to give our children something we chose specific for them as did their Haitian parents.
I had been torn that I had denied Ty his birth name of Mackenson and couldn't shake the feeling that I had taken his birth name from him. I could never fill out the name change form and make it officially Tyrone.
After some deep soul searching, I have found a way for us to have the best of both worlds. I have chosen to keep their Haitian names as their legal names. Both of my children will be called by their birth names in school, Dr.'s office, documents ect..! (Ty is actually called Mackenson at nursery school) When they are old enough and they have had time to "find themselves" they will be able to chose to change their names if they chose to, if at some point either one prefer us calling them by their birth names I will certainly embrace that and honor their request. I honor their roots, and their identity. We are calling them Ty & Tamaya at home as nicknames. They will have heard both names regularly throughout their lives and neither will be foreign to them, when the time is right they can make a informed decision and I will be more than willing to support them which ever they decide.
I have had conversations with Ty about his 2 names and how great it is that he had 2 names chosen for him. He knows his Haitian mom chose the beautiful Haitian name Mackenson and we chose Ty.. He also knows that Tamaya's beautiful Haitian name is Chantaline and we chose her name Tamaya. He thinks it's pretty cool ;-) So do I actually! a nice happy medium and I no longer feel guilty for taking something away from them... instead I have found a way to embrace both of their names and make them equally important!
I was talking with a friend of mine this morning and was asked about how we are planning to do the transition in Chantaline's name to Tamaya... If it would confuse her that we are all of a sudden calling her by a different name. I don't know if I have wrote this in the blog before, but I thought I would enlighten you all on how and what we are planning.
First off we will call her Tamaya-Chantaline and eventually only call her Tamaya once she responds to it. Now here is where it gets interesting ;-)
I have a lot of respect and honor of my children's birth names. Their Haitian mothers have chosen these names for them out of love and it is forever part of them and their Haitian roots. I will NEVER deny them the freedom of being proud Haitian-Canadian's. Steve and I also found it important to chose a name for our children as it has been an important part of our process as parents. We also wanted to give our children something we chose specific for them as did their Haitian parents.
I had been torn that I had denied Ty his birth name of Mackenson and couldn't shake the feeling that I had taken his birth name from him. I could never fill out the name change form and make it officially Tyrone.
After some deep soul searching, I have found a way for us to have the best of both worlds. I have chosen to keep their Haitian names as their legal names. Both of my children will be called by their birth names in school, Dr.'s office, documents ect..! (Ty is actually called Mackenson at nursery school) When they are old enough and they have had time to "find themselves" they will be able to chose to change their names if they chose to, if at some point either one prefer us calling them by their birth names I will certainly embrace that and honor their request. I honor their roots, and their identity. We are calling them Ty & Tamaya at home as nicknames. They will have heard both names regularly throughout their lives and neither will be foreign to them, when the time is right they can make a informed decision and I will be more than willing to support them which ever they decide.
I have had conversations with Ty about his 2 names and how great it is that he had 2 names chosen for him. He knows his Haitian mom chose the beautiful Haitian name Mackenson and we chose Ty.. He also knows that Tamaya's beautiful Haitian name is Chantaline and we chose her name Tamaya. He thinks it's pretty cool ;-) So do I actually! a nice happy medium and I no longer feel guilty for taking something away from them... instead I have found a way to embrace both of their names and make them equally important!
Thursday, January 25, 2007
My dear son...
Ty was sitting with me snuggling last night. I always pretend that I am going to eat him and make reference to how much I love chocolate, and how yummy he is.... so... he decided to be a wise guy and do the same back to me, now here is the FUNNY part. He looked at me and said... "Mmm mmm mmm you are one good marshmallow". When I think marshmallow I think, white and fluffy, so... my son has now labeled me as his white and fluffy marshmallow ;-)
It's better than Big momma, I had to constantly tell him that it was not nice to call me big momma, and that it hurt my feelings..lol, he asked me WHY? I said it was insulting and hurtful, and that if someone was to call him "a stupid kid" he wouldn't like that. He said no mom, that wouldn't be nice. At that point I told him if he ever called me big momma again I would have to call him a stupid kid.. he never has called me big momma since. THANK GOODNESS because I know I couldn't keep my word on that one, but I at least stopped that big momma phase. It sure was embarrassing when he would call out big momma in the freaken walmart.
The nursery school teacher talked to me today about my boys flirting. He has his first crush? He put his arms around a little girl, and gave her a kiss on the cheek. He told her she was cute, and that he likes that. I really wonder what the teenage years will bring!!!
I am still on cloud 9 with my wonderful news about being one step closer to Tamaya coming home. I have looked at every possible flight for the next 1 to 3 months to Haiti and what I would have to do to arrange a perfect arrival. Ty's official homecoming date was March 27th. It would really be cool if both of the kids could share there special at home date!!! Plus it is also my parents anniversary which adds a special little something to it was well. .. Only time will tell! All I ask is for smooth sailing from here on out. I can't take another Haiti glitch..
It's better than Big momma, I had to constantly tell him that it was not nice to call me big momma, and that it hurt my feelings..lol, he asked me WHY? I said it was insulting and hurtful, and that if someone was to call him "a stupid kid" he wouldn't like that. He said no mom, that wouldn't be nice. At that point I told him if he ever called me big momma again I would have to call him a stupid kid.. he never has called me big momma since. THANK GOODNESS because I know I couldn't keep my word on that one, but I at least stopped that big momma phase. It sure was embarrassing when he would call out big momma in the freaken walmart.
The nursery school teacher talked to me today about my boys flirting. He has his first crush? He put his arms around a little girl, and gave her a kiss on the cheek. He told her she was cute, and that he likes that. I really wonder what the teenage years will bring!!!
I am still on cloud 9 with my wonderful news about being one step closer to Tamaya coming home. I have looked at every possible flight for the next 1 to 3 months to Haiti and what I would have to do to arrange a perfect arrival. Ty's official homecoming date was March 27th. It would really be cool if both of the kids could share there special at home date!!! Plus it is also my parents anniversary which adds a special little something to it was well. .. Only time will tell! All I ask is for smooth sailing from here on out. I can't take another Haiti glitch..
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
GREAT news...
IT'S A GIRL... OK, well she is not here, but she is now 100% legally our daughter. We have cleared court and the commissioner. Now the only thing left is Ministry of interior approval for passport, getting the passport printed. Canadian Visa... then she will be home :-) I was told to guesstimate 4-8 weeks. I will have a better idea once our file has cleared through the ministry as to when she will actually be here. :-), but it will be soon. She is on route!!!! No more sitting and waiting for her to get out of court... Awwww a huge weight has been lifted!!!
Maybe now I can actually relax and be at a calm waiting place again.
YIPPPPPEEEEEE!!!!!!
Maybe now I can actually relax and be at a calm waiting place again.
YIPPPPPEEEEEE!!!!!!
grumpy me...
Yesterday I was so grumpy I could barely stand to be with myself. My poor Steve called at the wrong time... Ty was acting up and I felt I NEEDED some support and of course Steve wasn't here to help me out. I had a mini fit on Steve and hung up the phone..I said " well fine then, I have to deal with something so BYE" then hung up.. I of course sent him a huge e-mail explaining what was going on and apologised.
It is so hard not having him home. Deployments are awful and so hard on a relationship. Steve and I have something pretty good, but in any relationship it takes work and you cannot work at something from so far away. Your relationship is placed on hold only for you to take 10 steps back when they are away and have to begin all over again when they come home.
The other thing about such a long stay away is that there is a detachment that occurs between a couple. It is a way to protect yourself and move on... When Steve comes home there will be so many different emotions. From being so ecstatic having him back, the reality that he is home, we will certainly have a few quarrels regarding parenting, responsibilities and just getting to know each other again. I have done 3 other tours and I can admit that this one was different in so many ways. Having another little person has had some advantages and of course made this deployment harder. Not only am I having to deal with my emotions regarding Steve being away, I also have to deal with a grieving son. The time has flew by because of everything being my sole responsibility.
Some days I feel ready and able to take on the world, other days I feel weak and unable to deal with the smallest of tasks. It is hard to admit that some days I am weak. I can admit that I have more on my plate than I am comfortable with. It has been a roller-coaster of emotions and certainly the hardest time of my life. Some days I feel like less than a perfect mom, I sometimes wonder how I will get through... but somehow I do. Just like this will all be a distant memory and I could put all this in the past.
In a month or so my Steve will be here. We will get through our adjustment period, we will become parents to 2 children... my drama will be over and another exciting part of my life will begin... I know it won't all be a bouquet of roses, I expect some adjusting on every one's part, but at least we will all be here.. together as a family !!!
It is so hard not having him home. Deployments are awful and so hard on a relationship. Steve and I have something pretty good, but in any relationship it takes work and you cannot work at something from so far away. Your relationship is placed on hold only for you to take 10 steps back when they are away and have to begin all over again when they come home.
The other thing about such a long stay away is that there is a detachment that occurs between a couple. It is a way to protect yourself and move on... When Steve comes home there will be so many different emotions. From being so ecstatic having him back, the reality that he is home, we will certainly have a few quarrels regarding parenting, responsibilities and just getting to know each other again. I have done 3 other tours and I can admit that this one was different in so many ways. Having another little person has had some advantages and of course made this deployment harder. Not only am I having to deal with my emotions regarding Steve being away, I also have to deal with a grieving son. The time has flew by because of everything being my sole responsibility.
Some days I feel ready and able to take on the world, other days I feel weak and unable to deal with the smallest of tasks. It is hard to admit that some days I am weak. I can admit that I have more on my plate than I am comfortable with. It has been a roller-coaster of emotions and certainly the hardest time of my life. Some days I feel like less than a perfect mom, I sometimes wonder how I will get through... but somehow I do. Just like this will all be a distant memory and I could put all this in the past.
In a month or so my Steve will be here. We will get through our adjustment period, we will become parents to 2 children... my drama will be over and another exciting part of my life will begin... I know it won't all be a bouquet of roses, I expect some adjusting on every one's part, but at least we will all be here.. together as a family !!!
Monday, January 22, 2007
Done shopping?...
Today I spent most of my day shopping. I went to numerous stores to find Tamaya a snow suit. I was hoping to pick on up fairly inexpensive at Wal-Mart or Zellers but neither of them had any of her size..??? So I realised that I should get looking because if I can barely find any now, when she is home it will be even harder. I went to a couple boutiques hoping they would still have some, but of course on special, as most of these boutique only carry name brands. Thankfully both of them had some in stock. One place was 30%off.. which is OK, but not when the suit is regular $150. The other place I went I HIT the jackpot!!! They had theirs for 50% off the sale price :-) I came out of there buying a Gusti snow suit for $50, I feel like I scored big time. I also bought her some sheets for her bed, a pair of boots, a couple PJ's and a dozen pair of cute socks that were on special as well. I really can't think of anything else she may need. Her closet is full, I have diapers, wipes, girlie toys, sippy cups, hair pretties and unless I can think of something else I am DONE buying for her.
Ty was pretty good today. He was in good mood for most of the day, but the afternoon once we got home he started getting cranky because he was tired. I let him play on his own and watch some TV to try and keep him up and he ended up in bed at 7:30... I am sure he fell asleep within seconds he was so exhausted.
Oh ya, I also FINALLY bought myself a little table to put my laptop on.. I now can be on the computer anywhere in the house without it being on my kitchen table... YIPPPPEEE, and I have even made room to put the table so it's not in my way I'm so comfy on my love seat instead of a hard kitchen chair :-)
Hopefully this week will bring some good news about Tamaya.. I was thinking today and I realised how much I HATE not knowing anything. Tamaya can potentially be home before Steve.. Which is not too bad, but not having a date, or a little something is awful.. I can't plan anything. I bought her snow suit assuming she will be here in winter months, but she can be here in May for Pete's sakes... All the clothes I have for her is winter clothes.. Thank good we have AC and she will just be coming of of a warm country because I don't care if it's +40 she will get use out all of the clothes.. even the snowsuit dang it.. ;-)
Well enough of my little rant. I will go relax and watch the tube!
Ty was pretty good today. He was in good mood for most of the day, but the afternoon once we got home he started getting cranky because he was tired. I let him play on his own and watch some TV to try and keep him up and he ended up in bed at 7:30... I am sure he fell asleep within seconds he was so exhausted.
Oh ya, I also FINALLY bought myself a little table to put my laptop on.. I now can be on the computer anywhere in the house without it being on my kitchen table... YIPPPPEEE, and I have even made room to put the table so it's not in my way I'm so comfy on my love seat instead of a hard kitchen chair :-)
Hopefully this week will bring some good news about Tamaya.. I was thinking today and I realised how much I HATE not knowing anything. Tamaya can potentially be home before Steve.. Which is not too bad, but not having a date, or a little something is awful.. I can't plan anything. I bought her snow suit assuming she will be here in winter months, but she can be here in May for Pete's sakes... All the clothes I have for her is winter clothes.. Thank good we have AC and she will just be coming of of a warm country because I don't care if it's +40 she will get use out all of the clothes.. even the snowsuit dang it.. ;-)
Well enough of my little rant. I will go relax and watch the tube!
Sunday, January 21, 2007
My anxiety explained...
Well I guess I can now understand why my nerves were shot and that I was full of stress and anxiety. I have a hormone condition (PCOS) and I figured that my struggles were simply stress, but NOPE it was hormonal as I have a little visit... Now I don't want to go into to much detail because of course I am sure you all don't want to hear about it, but my *girlie's* come once a year or so and I struggle for weeks/months before they visit. Which I really didn't think would come as I had a visit 5 months ago. So this explains the bad gut, the shakes, the nerves, the loss of appetite and grossing out over food, the body pain and the short temper..lol. GOTTA love it... really??? I'm sure my dear hubby is happy he is away.. :-)
Yesterday I finally had no choice but to go and get some MUCH needed groceries, I have been CRAVING good healthy food..lol. I bought tooo many fruits and veggies, that unless I eat only that for a week some will probably go bad... I plan on making a big pot of vegetable soup today, nothing like nice hot soup to sooth a sensitive belly. I'm going to give my house a quick once over, get my laundry put away and if it warms up out there (-26) I may bring Ty out to play and get some outside work done... but I'm not holding my breath on that one.
Yesterday I finally had no choice but to go and get some MUCH needed groceries, I have been CRAVING good healthy food..lol. I bought tooo many fruits and veggies, that unless I eat only that for a week some will probably go bad... I plan on making a big pot of vegetable soup today, nothing like nice hot soup to sooth a sensitive belly. I'm going to give my house a quick once over, get my laundry put away and if it warms up out there (-26) I may bring Ty out to play and get some outside work done... but I'm not holding my breath on that one.
Saturday, January 20, 2007
Nice night...
I had many intentions to get some much needed groceries today, but my Ty had a melt down before leaving and I knew bringing him out in public would be a wrong move. I held him while he was kicking, hitting and freaking out and finally after an hour he gave in and hugged me tight.
We had a little talk again and I asked him what was wrong. He told me he was mad with me. I asked him why and he said because..lol. SO I gave him a couple options A, because I had taking his toys away because he would not clean up his mess (this activated the tantrum). B, that he was upset the he was not with me for a while, and C. that he missed his daddy. He said he was mad at me because he lost me. I explained to him that his grand-parents love him (thanks Patricia) and that I trusted that he would be safe and loved with them because when I was a little girl they loved me and took really good care of me. He seemed very comforted by that. I then asked him if he wanted to have a little relax time in my room in which he agreed. I thought for sure he would fall asleep but he didn't. I thought this would be a good time for me to explain that a sitter was coming to play with him and that I would be home later. He initially said he didn't want that, but I told him he would have a great time and if he was good he could earn the toys he lost. He seemed very please with that :-)
I went out for dinner at a Mexican restaurant and ordered something different than my usual chicken faita's... I don't even remember what it was called..lol.. but it wasn't that great. So much for being adventurous. The rice tasted like Haitian rice and I don't know man.. the last time I had that I came home sick.. I really don't know how I am going to eat in Haiti when it is my time to go get her. I know I can stand to loose a couple pounds, but I think I rather actually do it the right way..lol.. I guess i will eat it if I am hungry enough.
I called Ty on my way to the movies to see how everything was going and from her accounts he was being good. I told him I was very proud and that in 10 minutes it would be bedtime and in the morning I would be home and he would certainly earn his toys back. He said "oh mom, your cute" He is too cute.... really!!!
Stephanie and I were going to watch the movie Holiday, but it wasn't playing until 9, so we opted to go see the museum movie... It was good. I enjoyed it!!! I was still full from supper and the popcorn was gross, but I really enjoyed a night out! (jeeezzz Stephanie I am trying to remember the line to insert it here for you, but I can't remember it for the life of me???)
I came home, the sitter said Ty was good and she had no problems with him.. THANK GOODNESS, because the last one put him in his room for a time-out and he told her to f-off.. So since then I have worried about sitters.. Can you see why? ;-) He has known this girl for a while and she always pays special attention to him, but she has never watched him while I was gone so I worried a bit, but it worked out ok and now I have another evening sitter if I should need one.
Tonight I worked on a to do, to get, to pack list for Tamaya's homecoming. I figure I may as well prepare slowly for going to get her, at least know what I have to do because when she is ready it will be chaos trying to get everything done. And most of the time you get little notice. I do know that when I get out of this office she will be legally ours and it will only be a matter of getting her passport and Visa issued.. Then she will be here. I really prefer being positive and enjoying preparing than stressing over something I can't change. I wonder who will be home 1st.. Steve or Tamaya? It's going to be a very close race... Anyone wanting to make bets???...lol.. I am betting on Steve.. but only because Haiti is so darn unpredictable..lol.. The military is too, but within reason.. Hahaha.
I seem to be babbling again and should get to bed. :-)
G-Night and Happy weekend!!!
We had a little talk again and I asked him what was wrong. He told me he was mad with me. I asked him why and he said because..lol. SO I gave him a couple options A, because I had taking his toys away because he would not clean up his mess (this activated the tantrum). B, that he was upset the he was not with me for a while, and C. that he missed his daddy. He said he was mad at me because he lost me. I explained to him that his grand-parents love him (thanks Patricia) and that I trusted that he would be safe and loved with them because when I was a little girl they loved me and took really good care of me. He seemed very comforted by that. I then asked him if he wanted to have a little relax time in my room in which he agreed. I thought for sure he would fall asleep but he didn't. I thought this would be a good time for me to explain that a sitter was coming to play with him and that I would be home later. He initially said he didn't want that, but I told him he would have a great time and if he was good he could earn the toys he lost. He seemed very please with that :-)
I went out for dinner at a Mexican restaurant and ordered something different than my usual chicken faita's... I don't even remember what it was called..lol.. but it wasn't that great. So much for being adventurous. The rice tasted like Haitian rice and I don't know man.. the last time I had that I came home sick.. I really don't know how I am going to eat in Haiti when it is my time to go get her. I know I can stand to loose a couple pounds, but I think I rather actually do it the right way..lol.. I guess i will eat it if I am hungry enough.
I called Ty on my way to the movies to see how everything was going and from her accounts he was being good. I told him I was very proud and that in 10 minutes it would be bedtime and in the morning I would be home and he would certainly earn his toys back. He said "oh mom, your cute" He is too cute.... really!!!
Stephanie and I were going to watch the movie Holiday, but it wasn't playing until 9, so we opted to go see the museum movie... It was good. I enjoyed it!!! I was still full from supper and the popcorn was gross, but I really enjoyed a night out! (jeeezzz Stephanie I am trying to remember the line to insert it here for you, but I can't remember it for the life of me???)
I came home, the sitter said Ty was good and she had no problems with him.. THANK GOODNESS, because the last one put him in his room for a time-out and he told her to f-off.. So since then I have worried about sitters.. Can you see why? ;-) He has known this girl for a while and she always pays special attention to him, but she has never watched him while I was gone so I worried a bit, but it worked out ok and now I have another evening sitter if I should need one.
Tonight I worked on a to do, to get, to pack list for Tamaya's homecoming. I figure I may as well prepare slowly for going to get her, at least know what I have to do because when she is ready it will be chaos trying to get everything done. And most of the time you get little notice. I do know that when I get out of this office she will be legally ours and it will only be a matter of getting her passport and Visa issued.. Then she will be here. I really prefer being positive and enjoying preparing than stressing over something I can't change. I wonder who will be home 1st.. Steve or Tamaya? It's going to be a very close race... Anyone wanting to make bets???...lol.. I am betting on Steve.. but only because Haiti is so darn unpredictable..lol.. The military is too, but within reason.. Hahaha.
I seem to be babbling again and should get to bed. :-)
G-Night and Happy weekend!!!
Friday, January 19, 2007
Good morning...
Awwww it's nice to have Ty home. Life is never dull when he is around..!!! Last night he had a couple could be meltdowns and certainly let me know he was NOT happy at the fact that he was away from me. We talked about his feelings and he verbalised that he was sad and angry that he missed me and that he thought he lost me. I spent the rest of the evening reassuring him that I would always be back and that no matter where I went he would never, ever lose me. I would always be his mommy. I snuggled him and constantly told him how great it was that he was home and how much I LOVED him ... forever. After our chat and some reassuring he went back to being my loving little Ty with less insecurities. It's amazing that he is finally able to talk about his feelings... it certainly helps me to understand and not just assuming he is hurt or sad about something totally unrelated to what he is lashing out at.
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
Fell off the wagon...
OK SO... my plan didn't exactly work out. I did however get my house cleaned up like planned. A couple loads of laundry done. I just have to wait for the dryer to be done to add the last load in it. So at least I did get some things done between e-mails and checking for news..lol
It was stronger than me... I did shut the computer down and at lunch I was sitting right in front of it and it was calling my name... "Sue, check your mail... it will only take a second" and of course I did, and had a couple messages. I replied to a question regarding a possible escort I was arranging for another child coming home and then spent most of my day e-mailing back and forth with this particular adoptive mom... Ends up she will probably come with me when it's time to get Tamaya as her son is in the same stages and *should* be ready at the same time. So... you see. There is always something. Then tonight around 7ish my dear hubby came on-line and I got to chat with him... So this whole closing the computer down thing wont work, but I am going to make sure it doesn't take over my life. I feel at a calm enough place that I can be less obsessive about it.
I do feel much more at ease with our wait. I heard rumours that the guy that is holding up the files has been replaced... which is good because no other families should suffer going through that. Now usually when someone is replaced in Haiti it takes them a while to settle in, but whatever... I can't do anything about it, so why stress about it.
I really feel it in my heart that she will be home soon. I don't know when, but even if it's a couple months down the road this is my time to enjoy the time I have being a mom of one, because soon enough my life will be full of changes... getting to know my precious sweetie and possible hardships with Ty about it...lol. I know I have said it before, but as much as I want her sooner than later, I rather Steve be home for her homecoming because I believe that it will be the most beneficial for all of us.
I have a date Friday night. :-) My friend Stephanie invited me for dinner and a movie. I have booked a sitter and I am looking forward to going out. Now please pray that she can get someone to watch her kids as well.
Only a month and a half and Steve will be home. Christmas back home certainly helped me pass a month fairly quickly.
Tomorrow I will go get my son :-) :-) :-) :-) I have enjoyed the break I have had these last couple days. It gave me time to think and to refresh. My dear son told my mom that he put pee in her shoe and sure enough when she checked it out HE DID. He has quite an imagination. He was telling my dad today that Tamaya also needed a life jacket. He talks about her so much (like an imaginary friend) that I am scared when the reality hits he will NOT be happy. I guess if I prepare myself for the worst case scenario I should be ok..lol. I explained that when she comes home he will have to lead by example and show her how to be good. He then proceed to tell me he will show her how to make a face.. then put him tongue out and spit all over my face... good times, good times.
I can't believe Ty is going to be going to school in September already. ME OH MY. And it will be full days all week. I called the school to see when the registration was because back home they were this week, but it's not until next month. Then I heard of other parents already putting their children on the list for nursery -school next year and I thought instead of waiting to see where I am in October, that I should put Tamaya on the list right away so I don't miss out on a spot. It was nice to be able actually start planning for her being here. I don't know if she will be ready to go, but at least I have a confirmed spot if she is. :-)
Well my laundry should be dry.. * I HOPE* then I will get my kiester in bed so I can get to bed early to make my trek to get him in the morning. Jezzzz I felt like I "talked" alot tonight...probably just babbling because I am tired.
It was stronger than me... I did shut the computer down and at lunch I was sitting right in front of it and it was calling my name... "Sue, check your mail... it will only take a second" and of course I did, and had a couple messages. I replied to a question regarding a possible escort I was arranging for another child coming home and then spent most of my day e-mailing back and forth with this particular adoptive mom... Ends up she will probably come with me when it's time to get Tamaya as her son is in the same stages and *should* be ready at the same time. So... you see. There is always something. Then tonight around 7ish my dear hubby came on-line and I got to chat with him... So this whole closing the computer down thing wont work, but I am going to make sure it doesn't take over my life. I feel at a calm enough place that I can be less obsessive about it.
I do feel much more at ease with our wait. I heard rumours that the guy that is holding up the files has been replaced... which is good because no other families should suffer going through that. Now usually when someone is replaced in Haiti it takes them a while to settle in, but whatever... I can't do anything about it, so why stress about it.
I really feel it in my heart that she will be home soon. I don't know when, but even if it's a couple months down the road this is my time to enjoy the time I have being a mom of one, because soon enough my life will be full of changes... getting to know my precious sweetie and possible hardships with Ty about it...lol. I know I have said it before, but as much as I want her sooner than later, I rather Steve be home for her homecoming because I believe that it will be the most beneficial for all of us.
I have a date Friday night. :-) My friend Stephanie invited me for dinner and a movie. I have booked a sitter and I am looking forward to going out. Now please pray that she can get someone to watch her kids as well.
Only a month and a half and Steve will be home. Christmas back home certainly helped me pass a month fairly quickly.
Tomorrow I will go get my son :-) :-) :-) :-) I have enjoyed the break I have had these last couple days. It gave me time to think and to refresh. My dear son told my mom that he put pee in her shoe and sure enough when she checked it out HE DID. He has quite an imagination. He was telling my dad today that Tamaya also needed a life jacket. He talks about her so much (like an imaginary friend) that I am scared when the reality hits he will NOT be happy. I guess if I prepare myself for the worst case scenario I should be ok..lol. I explained that when she comes home he will have to lead by example and show her how to be good. He then proceed to tell me he will show her how to make a face.. then put him tongue out and spit all over my face... good times, good times.
I can't believe Ty is going to be going to school in September already. ME OH MY. And it will be full days all week. I called the school to see when the registration was because back home they were this week, but it's not until next month. Then I heard of other parents already putting their children on the list for nursery -school next year and I thought instead of waiting to see where I am in October, that I should put Tamaya on the list right away so I don't miss out on a spot. It was nice to be able actually start planning for her being here. I don't know if she will be ready to go, but at least I have a confirmed spot if she is. :-)
Well my laundry should be dry.. * I HOPE* then I will get my kiester in bed so I can get to bed early to make my trek to get him in the morning. Jezzzz I felt like I "talked" alot tonight...probably just babbling because I am tired.
1st day of treatment plan...
OK SOOOOOO... it is 9:50 and I have been on-line since 8am... wasn't I just supposed to check e-mail in the morning, then shut down the laptop until tonight?
Must shut it down, just do it Sue... It will be there tonight... Sue, shut it down and get your house cleaned. BUT BUT...
OK MAN, I got to do it... I can do it. No news will come in that is worth my sore butt from sitting here all day waiting. SO I WILL shut it down.. I can do it... I am stronger than this... lol.
I'll just check my e-mail one more time then I will put the laptop away for the day... baby steps man.. baby steps!!!
Must shut it down, just do it Sue... It will be there tonight... Sue, shut it down and get your house cleaned. BUT BUT...
OK MAN, I got to do it... I can do it. No news will come in that is worth my sore butt from sitting here all day waiting. SO I WILL shut it down.. I can do it... I am stronger than this... lol.
I'll just check my e-mail one more time then I will put the laptop away for the day... baby steps man.. baby steps!!!
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
Highlight of my day...
I called Haiti today to confirm that Agnes received my e-mail regarding my cancelled plans to go. I obviously didn't want her to worry when I didn't arrive and I thought the Internet may be down. She talked about Tamaya during our conversation and said I am looking at her right now and she is so beautiful... then she said "vini Chantaline" (come here Chantaline) and put my baby girl on the phone. I of course said hello and Agnes said her eyes got real big... So today although I didn't hold my baby girl.. I did have a moment of just her and I, even across the miles.
My name is Sue and I am an addict...
I have been addicted to my computer/e-mail/Haitian adoption chat groups/news on Afghanistan and Haiti. So much so that I have neglecting myself, my son and my responsibilities.
This adoption and Steve being away have gotten the best of me and I will no longer let my circumstances rule my life. I am choosing to trust that everything will fall into place. I am done. I have hit rock bottom and am making a decision that my life and happiness comes before everything else. I can not change my circumstances, but I can surely chose happiness and a stress free life. I am not going to let myself get sick with anxiety and worry. I am much smarter than that. I am actually surprised that I have not had an anxiety attack or hyperventilating, but I know my body is stressed... I feel it in my gut and my chest. I have been getting stress headaches and general malaise. I have to let go before I fall into a deep depression because I can either chose to go into more of a funk or I can chose happiness and a stress free life... I chose my life and my happiness!!!
My plan of action.
- Wake up between 7-8
- shower- get dressed in real clothes do my hair (I can no longer live in Jammies, except on Saturdays..lol)
- check e-mail (no more than an hour a day on the computer, once in the morning to check e-mail and in the evening once Ty is in bed and everything else is done I will allow myself an hour to blog, and read blogs... shut down the computer and put it away after I check in the morning so I am not tempted to just check real quick..lol)
- give the house a 20 - 60 minute once over, keep up on laundry!!!
- on days that Ty is in school I will go for a walk or gym and burn off some of those extra lbs I put on with the "stress" eating. I am afraid to weigh myself to see how much I actually gained since Steve left...
- on the days Ty is not in school do something special with him, go for a walk, sliding, play group, swimming?
- make healthier eating choices / get rid of the junk in the house (not a diet, but wiser decisions.)
- NOT LET MYSELF get overwhelmed with anything. Do one thing at a time and if I can't do it right away it IS OK... I am only one person!
I am so committed to this and will take it one day at a time. I will no longer be a prisoner to my situations I will rise above and put myself in a happy place again... I have to, I need to.
This adoption and Steve being away have gotten the best of me and I will no longer let my circumstances rule my life. I am choosing to trust that everything will fall into place. I am done. I have hit rock bottom and am making a decision that my life and happiness comes before everything else. I can not change my circumstances, but I can surely chose happiness and a stress free life. I am not going to let myself get sick with anxiety and worry. I am much smarter than that. I am actually surprised that I have not had an anxiety attack or hyperventilating, but I know my body is stressed... I feel it in my gut and my chest. I have been getting stress headaches and general malaise. I have to let go before I fall into a deep depression because I can either chose to go into more of a funk or I can chose happiness and a stress free life... I chose my life and my happiness!!!
My plan of action.
- Wake up between 7-8
- shower- get dressed in real clothes do my hair (I can no longer live in Jammies, except on Saturdays..lol)
- check e-mail (no more than an hour a day on the computer, once in the morning to check e-mail and in the evening once Ty is in bed and everything else is done I will allow myself an hour to blog, and read blogs... shut down the computer and put it away after I check in the morning so I am not tempted to just check real quick..lol)
- give the house a 20 - 60 minute once over, keep up on laundry!!!
- on days that Ty is in school I will go for a walk or gym and burn off some of those extra lbs I put on with the "stress" eating. I am afraid to weigh myself to see how much I actually gained since Steve left...
- on the days Ty is not in school do something special with him, go for a walk, sliding, play group, swimming?
- make healthier eating choices / get rid of the junk in the house (not a diet, but wiser decisions.)
- NOT LET MYSELF get overwhelmed with anything. Do one thing at a time and if I can't do it right away it IS OK... I am only one person!
I am so committed to this and will take it one day at a time. I will no longer be a prisoner to my situations I will rise above and put myself in a happy place again... I have to, I need to.
Monday, January 15, 2007
Flight status...
Upon checking the advisory on the flight website I noticed flight going out of both Ottawa and Montreal have been cancelled due to the weather... go figure. I guess it truly wasn't meant to be and now I can stop being so hard on myself for not going. I would have drove to Ottawa on yucky roads just to be disappointed and it would have came to the same result.
I talked to my dear son on the phone a million times in the past couple days and every time I talked to him he asked me to go pick him up because he wanted to come home and be in his own bed. He said "it's because I miss you mom" I guess I am a big sap when it comes to my boy. I will go get him on Wednesday and concentrate on getting the house back in order tomorrow, as well as get some much needed groceries... I have a fridge consisting of condiments and I am sure Ty nor I can survive on that alone. When he does come home it will just be Ty and mommy time until Steve and/or Tamaya comes home.
I talked to my dear son on the phone a million times in the past couple days and every time I talked to him he asked me to go pick him up because he wanted to come home and be in his own bed. He said "it's because I miss you mom" I guess I am a big sap when it comes to my boy. I will go get him on Wednesday and concentrate on getting the house back in order tomorrow, as well as get some much needed groceries... I have a fridge consisting of condiments and I am sure Ty nor I can survive on that alone. When he does come home it will just be Ty and mommy time until Steve and/or Tamaya comes home.
Wake me up...
from this gosh darn nightmare. Just when I thought I could breath and finally have my baby on route home I get some info.. for the love of God!!!! I have been feeling anxiety the last couple days and I don't know if it's my trip, or this latest development.. but I found out that the head commissioner's office has been broke in to and a fire was set... Holy Moly.. I couldn't help but nervously laugh about the whole situation.. AS IF..
I am done with worrying about when and how she will come home. I can't anymore. I am done! I don't want to care and I wish I could just quit. I want my calm life back.. I want my hubby here to hold me and my baby home where she belongs. I want to live stress free and enjoy my life again. I want to have all of my family under my roof.
The weather has been pretty snowy and a huge part of me wishes the flight would just be cancelled. I am even just contemplating cancelling it and going only when it's time to get her. I can't shake this "anxious and nervous" feeling and wondering if it's just a sign to stay back and not go?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
3 hours later.
I have cancelled my travels, and now feel calm and safe. Now I have a few people to contact and undo some of my reservations, as well as unpack and re-pack to go get Ty. I have to admit I needed to listen to my gut feeling on that one. It makes me sad that I won't see my baby girl, but what can you do when you are TOLD to stay back.
update on the break-in / fire. Apparently no adoption files were harmed and I am waiting for more news on this, but will keep you posted.
I am done with worrying about when and how she will come home. I can't anymore. I am done! I don't want to care and I wish I could just quit. I want my calm life back.. I want my hubby here to hold me and my baby home where she belongs. I want to live stress free and enjoy my life again. I want to have all of my family under my roof.
The weather has been pretty snowy and a huge part of me wishes the flight would just be cancelled. I am even just contemplating cancelling it and going only when it's time to get her. I can't shake this "anxious and nervous" feeling and wondering if it's just a sign to stay back and not go?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
3 hours later.
I have cancelled my travels, and now feel calm and safe. Now I have a few people to contact and undo some of my reservations, as well as unpack and re-pack to go get Ty. I have to admit I needed to listen to my gut feeling on that one. It makes me sad that I won't see my baby girl, but what can you do when you are TOLD to stay back.
update on the break-in / fire. Apparently no adoption files were harmed and I am waiting for more news on this, but will keep you posted.
Saturday, January 13, 2007
Weird feelings...
Well it's certainly getting closer to the day I leave. Yesterday I drove up to meet my parents for lunch and gave them Ty for the week. Part of me is nervous, the other part excited. I already miss Ty and have had thoughts of just cancelling everything and going to get him... I had a few moments where the house just felt so empty without him. I rented a movie last night and I caught myself turning down the volume at a loud part so I wouldn't wake him and I realised he wasn't here and I felt lonely. It's been a long time since I have been all alone. I guess I just forgot how life used to be... peaceful.. hahaha! I can actually hear myself think....
Today my plan is to pack and get my house tidied up. I still need to go buy a couple thing to bring, but I am hoping I will find time to go tomorrow before beginning my journey. I'm going to stay at my girlfriends house in the city and her hubby will bring me to the airport at 3:30am... I need to be there for 4ish. I hoping I will be able to catch some ZZZ's on the wait to Haiti so I am not some zombie meeting my baby girl. :-)
I was talking with someone yesterday and was REALLY surprised and hurt by a comment that was made. The topic of conversation was about pregnancy and she mentioned how great it would be if I became preggers. I immediately caboshed the idea and told her that I would actually be devastated, as I am done my family. She proceeded to say something to the effect that it would be much more special to have a bio-child. Now, I have a lot of respect for this particular person, however I was really hurt and offended that she has not realised that my children are my children. I know that I can't possibly love them anymore than I already do and that they are mine (well Steve's too.. but for the sake of the phrase I simply added "mine"). I tried to explain that when you make the decision to adopt you go in to the process of finding your child. You do in fact love your adopted child as much as if you would have given birth to them... you are there mother!!! I explained that a pregnancy would actually be devastating as I have made the decision that I DO NOT want any more children... whether they are bio, or adopted. I DO NOT long to have a bio child, I would not love it more than I love my children as it is IMPOSSIBLE, and I am certainly insulted at the fact that this comment was made and I hope my feed back and teaching on the subject may have enlightened her on the fact that WE DO in fact think of our children as our own even if they do not "match" us and that they are born from someone else.
While we were waiting for Ty I remember thinking of all the things that may come up during our years of raising him. I expected to be asked questions about race, and I figured if we were to encounter any negativity it certainly wouldn't be from a loving person. I honestly never thought our love for our child would ever be the topic of heated conversations. I never thought I would have to defend our love for OUR children. I have had our love questioned a couple times now and I am surprised to see it, but I guess all I can do is provide education to these questions and try and not be defensive in answering them, but only tell them the truth as I see it...
I have had opportunities to have bio-children. I had only did basic fertility treatment and could have gone with more extensive methods and chose not too. I chose to not go with invitro. I had a very good friend of mine offered to be a surrogate mother for us and we chose to adopt instead as we KNEW there were too many orphan's in the world needed parents. My choice was not a second grade decision it was a decision made with love, education and commitment. I chose a Haitian adoption because of the children that suffer daily. In Haiti if their parents chose to place them for adoption it was because they wanted them to live, they wanted their child to have a chance at living. They wanted their child to have what they could never provide. I chose to love another child as my own and to forgo any other option of having bio-children as to me it wasn't a matter of bio vs adopted. It was a chance for me to be a parent. That was the goal when Steve and I started trying to have children... and I am a mother. I'm not a fake mother. I am a real mother that would go beyond the earth and back for my children, I would give my life for them, and I certainly would protect them from anyone that was to even think of hurting them...
Today my plan is to pack and get my house tidied up. I still need to go buy a couple thing to bring, but I am hoping I will find time to go tomorrow before beginning my journey. I'm going to stay at my girlfriends house in the city and her hubby will bring me to the airport at 3:30am... I need to be there for 4ish. I hoping I will be able to catch some ZZZ's on the wait to Haiti so I am not some zombie meeting my baby girl. :-)
I was talking with someone yesterday and was REALLY surprised and hurt by a comment that was made. The topic of conversation was about pregnancy and she mentioned how great it would be if I became preggers. I immediately caboshed the idea and told her that I would actually be devastated, as I am done my family. She proceeded to say something to the effect that it would be much more special to have a bio-child. Now, I have a lot of respect for this particular person, however I was really hurt and offended that she has not realised that my children are my children. I know that I can't possibly love them anymore than I already do and that they are mine (well Steve's too.. but for the sake of the phrase I simply added "mine"). I tried to explain that when you make the decision to adopt you go in to the process of finding your child. You do in fact love your adopted child as much as if you would have given birth to them... you are there mother!!! I explained that a pregnancy would actually be devastating as I have made the decision that I DO NOT want any more children... whether they are bio, or adopted. I DO NOT long to have a bio child, I would not love it more than I love my children as it is IMPOSSIBLE, and I am certainly insulted at the fact that this comment was made and I hope my feed back and teaching on the subject may have enlightened her on the fact that WE DO in fact think of our children as our own even if they do not "match" us and that they are born from someone else.
While we were waiting for Ty I remember thinking of all the things that may come up during our years of raising him. I expected to be asked questions about race, and I figured if we were to encounter any negativity it certainly wouldn't be from a loving person. I honestly never thought our love for our child would ever be the topic of heated conversations. I never thought I would have to defend our love for OUR children. I have had our love questioned a couple times now and I am surprised to see it, but I guess all I can do is provide education to these questions and try and not be defensive in answering them, but only tell them the truth as I see it...
I have had opportunities to have bio-children. I had only did basic fertility treatment and could have gone with more extensive methods and chose not too. I chose to not go with invitro. I had a very good friend of mine offered to be a surrogate mother for us and we chose to adopt instead as we KNEW there were too many orphan's in the world needed parents. My choice was not a second grade decision it was a decision made with love, education and commitment. I chose a Haitian adoption because of the children that suffer daily. In Haiti if their parents chose to place them for adoption it was because they wanted them to live, they wanted their child to have a chance at living. They wanted their child to have what they could never provide. I chose to love another child as my own and to forgo any other option of having bio-children as to me it wasn't a matter of bio vs adopted. It was a chance for me to be a parent. That was the goal when Steve and I started trying to have children... and I am a mother. I'm not a fake mother. I am a real mother that would go beyond the earth and back for my children, I would give my life for them, and I certainly would protect them from anyone that was to even think of hurting them...
Friday, January 12, 2007
Awwwwwww.... this is what it's all about!!!
Boy oh boy did my latest and greatest up-date make my day... they all do, and they are definitely a pleasant surprise. I will get to play in her little fro and try my hand in styling it. Wish me luck!!!
Just the other day I was wondering if she was still sucking her thumb. She looks so angelic sleeping. YUP, that's my princess :-)
Here is the little message attached:
Hi Sue, Steve and Ty!!
Well just before you come I'll send you some of the latest pictures of your little girl and Ty's little sister. As you see her hair grows already some and as always she is very beautiful! I'm looking forward to meet you Sue and we will have a good time together!
Well normally I also write an update but well, we will see each other in a couple of days and then I will tell you everything you want to know and what I know!
And great that they don't need the mother anymore. I called Margaret a few times for that to hear about the mother and to try her to push but this is great news and it saves time!!
Well, I see you Tuesday and everybody here is already looking forward to it because off course they know you!
Big kiss from Chantaline and greetings from me!!!
Agnes.
How cute is that.
I do miss all my Haitian friends from Marijke's and especially Exumene. She has and will always have a special place in my heart. When I first arrived in Haiti there was a nice young lady there, she is a little person and just so cute. The first day she would walk pass me shyly and barely looked up as she walked. Marijke had explained to me that she had recently given birth to her son and that she was recovering from a c-section. I think it had already been a month... so I can just imagine how butchered she was. One night while I was outside enjoying a cigarette and admiring the wonderful night sky Exumene started talking with me... in English. After many questions of how she learned to speak English she explained how she had been on a medical Visa in the US for a couple years and picked it up then.
She told me the story of her pregnancy and how she had to leave and bring her baby to Marijke's place to place him for adoption. She said she loved him so much but there was nothing she can do to provide for her baby. Her parents said they would disown her if she gave him up and if she did never to come back. She had been raped which was the result of the pregnancy and she had talked about how violent these men were towards her and that she had never lived a normal life. That she had been teased and tormented all of her life because she was a little person. Unfortunately in Haiti anyone that does not look like the norm is taunted and made to feel like they are less than par.
She started sobbing and was hurt and feeling the loss of her son. I gave her a big squeeze and couldn't contain myself as I cried and sobbed with her. I couldn't imagine having to give up my children, but I do know how much my son and daughter are so loved by us. I told her that her boy would have parents like me... that would love him and cherish him. That they would love her son as much as she did and that if she thought about him everyday and told him how much she loved him that he would feel it and that he would benefit from the love of 2 mothers.
I will never forget that moment in my life. That was the reunion I had hoped to share with my children's birth mom's. That was what I wanted so bad to tell Ty's Haitian mom and at that moment I was able to bond with another mother that had just placed her son for adoption. I was able to see how she loved him so much that she was willing to sacrifice everything to make sure he had what she didn't. She didn't him want him teased because of his small stature and wanted him to be as normal as can be.
Marijke, the wonderful woman that she is, took Exumen under her wings and hired her as a staff at her home. She is living at Marijke's and is able to support herself and is able to have a normal life and be respected. How cool is that. I can't wait to see her again and tell her how much I have missed her!! I often ask Marijke about her.
Then there is Wilfrid. Wilfrid lost his parents when he was about 5 and then lived with his sister for a short time. His sister married and had children of her own she "kicked him out" she could no longer care for him and told him to leave. He was just a young boy and became a street kid. A man from Holland found him dirty, hungry and begging for help. He brought him to Marijke and she has had him at her home as a guest since then and he is now 18. She has provided an education for him and work. He is now living on his own a block or so away from her place, but he is certainly another one that captured my heart...even though I received an e-mail from him this summer begging me to bring him some Puma shoes..lol I guess that is the Haitian way and who am I to judge. Needless to say there are NO designer "in" shoes getting packed in my luggage. I did joke with hubby about getting him a pair that would be a couple sizes to big or small and see if he would wear them... but... OK.. that is not so funny.. right?
I guess that is enough reminiscing about my last journey. I can't wait to be there, in Haiti again and get to have a whole new experience and share it here, with you all.
I will be trying to blog while I am there as a means of communication with everybody, however if there is no Internet you will all certainly get the "diary" version of my trip upon my arrival.
4 more sleeps.
Note to self: Pack a notepad and a pen to journal..lol
Thursday, January 11, 2007
What a day...
I haven't stopped all day. Thankfully my girlfriend Stephanie had offered to come get Ty to bring him to nursery school which gave me enough time to open my bills, respond and call my messages from my answering machine. (I had 34 messages when I walked in.. granted some were hang-ups... but dang that was the most I had ever seen). Jeeezzz, then I spent the rest of the time Ty was away calling all of my appointments for the next 2 weeks to reschedule!
I started on my laundry first thing this morning and I am now on my last load of laundry in the dryer (the mound of 6 loads is not folded yet, but waiting patiently for me to give it some TLC).
I have puttered all day and slowly but surely I may actually have everything unpacked and in their place tonight. I already have a "toooo small house" with no storage and it's a pain to find room for new things. I am hoping when I go through all Ty's Christmas toys I will find room in the playroom for everything. Tamaya's gifts were fairly easy as I just place them in her empty room until later.
In 2 short days I will be bringing Ty back to my parents. I will meet them a 2 hour drive away which is not too bad, but will still pretty much only give me Sunday to get ready for my trip to Haiti. Tomorrow is going to be a run around day. I have to go to the bank and buy some US cash. I have to go to another bank and give them a check for a credit they put in my account by accident.. then I have to go to the vet with our dog to get her shots up to date so I can bring her to the kennel for when I am away. In the midst of all this I have to think of all the things I have to remember to bring...like my passport, camera, toys for the baby and donations for Marijke's and I just HOPE everything is where I think it is. Awwwww how I love packing and getting ready to leave... <---insert sarcasm here! Literaly unpacking to pack again. At least Ty's should be easy as he will still be wearing winter clothes. I will need to get my summer clothes back out plus put all my winter stuff back in the closet and drawers.
Ah well enough chatter, or I will never be done with this mess...
A demain mes amis!.. (Until tomorrow my friends)
I started on my laundry first thing this morning and I am now on my last load of laundry in the dryer (the mound of 6 loads is not folded yet, but waiting patiently for me to give it some TLC).
I have puttered all day and slowly but surely I may actually have everything unpacked and in their place tonight. I already have a "toooo small house" with no storage and it's a pain to find room for new things. I am hoping when I go through all Ty's Christmas toys I will find room in the playroom for everything. Tamaya's gifts were fairly easy as I just place them in her empty room until later.
In 2 short days I will be bringing Ty back to my parents. I will meet them a 2 hour drive away which is not too bad, but will still pretty much only give me Sunday to get ready for my trip to Haiti. Tomorrow is going to be a run around day. I have to go to the bank and buy some US cash. I have to go to another bank and give them a check for a credit they put in my account by accident.. then I have to go to the vet with our dog to get her shots up to date so I can bring her to the kennel for when I am away. In the midst of all this I have to think of all the things I have to remember to bring...like my passport, camera, toys for the baby and donations for Marijke's and I just HOPE everything is where I think it is. Awwwww how I love packing and getting ready to leave... <---insert sarcasm here! Literaly unpacking to pack again. At least Ty's should be easy as he will still be wearing winter clothes. I will need to get my summer clothes back out plus put all my winter stuff back in the closet and drawers.
Ah well enough chatter, or I will never be done with this mess...
A demain mes amis!.. (Until tomorrow my friends)
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
Home sweet Home...
Ahhhhh it feels so nice to be back home. I came in later than planned as we stopped at a store in Northbay that I just love. I NEEDED some new undergarments and it is the only place that offer my favorite style and comfort. I browsed the store and of course saw the cutest little shirt that will go perfectly with my white skirt or my denim skirt that I now "hope" will still fit after the Christmas binge... It's just too cute really. I will be in the warm weather in style.
I got an updated e-mail regarding the adoption and I can finally post the good news because it is official. Our orphanage director has convinced the Haitian judge to release our file without the birth-parents present. The judge said our file will be released within 2 weeks... YIPPPPEEE!!!
Now I can enjoy my daughter knowing she is in fact on route home. We are no longer at a stand still and it shouldn't be too much longer and our "new" addition will be forever part of our lives. I would guesstimate no more than 2 months... and if by chance the "big guy" is in the miracle department and everything in Haiti goes right she may be able to come home with me. If she is almost ready I will stay in Haiti up to a week later.
I have so many things to get done in the next few days. I will certainly keep you all posted!!!
I am so tired and will go in MY bed and snuggle and watch the TV..
night
I got an updated e-mail regarding the adoption and I can finally post the good news because it is official. Our orphanage director has convinced the Haitian judge to release our file without the birth-parents present. The judge said our file will be released within 2 weeks... YIPPPPEEE!!!
Now I can enjoy my daughter knowing she is in fact on route home. We are no longer at a stand still and it shouldn't be too much longer and our "new" addition will be forever part of our lives. I would guesstimate no more than 2 months... and if by chance the "big guy" is in the miracle department and everything in Haiti goes right she may be able to come home with me. If she is almost ready I will stay in Haiti up to a week later.
I have so many things to get done in the next few days. I will certainly keep you all posted!!!
I am so tired and will go in MY bed and snuggle and watch the TV..
night
Tuesday, January 09, 2007
Not home yet...
My intention was to leave today, but that thought passed fairly quickly when I saw all the stuff I needed to do to prepare to leave. I think I got a little too comfy here at my parents house and I can almost guarantee that we will have forgotten something here because we had stuff everywhere. I would hate to have me as a visitor. Thank goodness my parents love me and tolerate my disorganisation when I walk in their door.
I slloooowwwwwllly packed most of our stuff today an managed to place everything in the entrance hoping that my night and shining armor would pack my van for me... he didn't come??? So I will be in a stinken panic in the morning packing my van. Such is life when you are a procrastinator. At least now I have a plan of action to leave... ;-)
I will get up at 6am start the van... let it get warm, pack it, get Ty up and dressed, go out for breakfast with my dad, grand-parents and other early risers. Go pick up my aunt Martha that will travelling back our way and ***should*** be on the road by 8am.
I received an e-mail today with an up-date on the adoption front. I've been asked to keep the info confidential for now, but it could be great news for us. I will certainly let you know as soon as I get "confirmation".
I've been thinking it would take a pretty big miracle to be able to bring her home with me. I know realistically it probably won't happen, but I find myself fantasizing about her homecoming so often and really hope and pray that a miracle is in the works for us. I'm in need of a pretty big happy moment in my life... ;-)
I slloooowwwwwllly packed most of our stuff today an managed to place everything in the entrance hoping that my night and shining armor would pack my van for me... he didn't come??? So I will be in a stinken panic in the morning packing my van. Such is life when you are a procrastinator. At least now I have a plan of action to leave... ;-)
I will get up at 6am start the van... let it get warm, pack it, get Ty up and dressed, go out for breakfast with my dad, grand-parents and other early risers. Go pick up my aunt Martha that will travelling back our way and ***should*** be on the road by 8am.
I received an e-mail today with an up-date on the adoption front. I've been asked to keep the info confidential for now, but it could be great news for us. I will certainly let you know as soon as I get "confirmation".
I've been thinking it would take a pretty big miracle to be able to bring her home with me. I know realistically it probably won't happen, but I find myself fantasizing about her homecoming so often and really hope and pray that a miracle is in the works for us. I'm in need of a pretty big happy moment in my life... ;-)
Monday, January 08, 2007
this and that...
Adoption update;
I can't wait for this mess to be over. It feels like am spending way to much time and energy trying to get to the bottom of this mess. It is now looking like our Haitian mom has not moved away and that the 2 ladies are in a tiff with each other and neither of them are going to FIND her. One says the other is looking and the other says it's not her responsibility to look... So I have now requested some clarification and to get this ball rolling. All this he said, she said stuff is getting to become a little much. I have offered to hire a driver and have her birth mom delivered and now I am just waiting for an OK and then I will proceed. The latest is that she has NOT moved... but I guess we will see.. This sit here and wait thing is killing me and I am at my ends wit with all this BS.
Ty update;
He is so sneaky, yesterday morning I assumed Ty was with my dad and my dad assumed he was with me. Ty put his boots and jacket on, went into my purse and got my keys. He then proceeded to go outside and try to unlock the van so he could get his firetruck... THANK GOODNESS my parents live in a quiet neighbourhood and that we realised he was gone fairly quickly.. JEEEZZZZ
Later yesterday he went into my dad's office, My dad told him to get out right away. A couple hours later he was playing with his toys then all of a sudden he ran to my dad and was bleeding. I guess he must of taken my dad's pocket knife while he was in the office and proceeded to cut Styrofoam with it and cut himself. The boy is a sneak and will eventually give me a flippen heart attack... MAN OH MAN
Steve update;
His back is getting better. Slowly, but surely. He will be going back to the desert today? He also mentioned he WILL NOT get another job in order to support my shopping love. His exact words " blow me, you get 2 jobs". So I guess I am out of luck.. ;-) Love you honey and I can't wait to work on you getting back to a family man and not a soldier with a bad potty mouth... HA HA HA
Sue update;
I am supposed to go home tomorrow. I guess i will have to wait and see how much I get done today in the organisation department. I have been too consumed with the adoption and I have to get in gear and help out my folks or will have to stay another day. I'm starting to get home sick so I will get my kiester in gear and give it a good go until I am done!!!
I can't wait for this mess to be over. It feels like am spending way to much time and energy trying to get to the bottom of this mess. It is now looking like our Haitian mom has not moved away and that the 2 ladies are in a tiff with each other and neither of them are going to FIND her. One says the other is looking and the other says it's not her responsibility to look... So I have now requested some clarification and to get this ball rolling. All this he said, she said stuff is getting to become a little much. I have offered to hire a driver and have her birth mom delivered and now I am just waiting for an OK and then I will proceed. The latest is that she has NOT moved... but I guess we will see.. This sit here and wait thing is killing me and I am at my ends wit with all this BS.
Ty update;
He is so sneaky, yesterday morning I assumed Ty was with my dad and my dad assumed he was with me. Ty put his boots and jacket on, went into my purse and got my keys. He then proceeded to go outside and try to unlock the van so he could get his firetruck... THANK GOODNESS my parents live in a quiet neighbourhood and that we realised he was gone fairly quickly.. JEEEZZZZ
Later yesterday he went into my dad's office, My dad told him to get out right away. A couple hours later he was playing with his toys then all of a sudden he ran to my dad and was bleeding. I guess he must of taken my dad's pocket knife while he was in the office and proceeded to cut Styrofoam with it and cut himself. The boy is a sneak and will eventually give me a flippen heart attack... MAN OH MAN
Steve update;
His back is getting better. Slowly, but surely. He will be going back to the desert today? He also mentioned he WILL NOT get another job in order to support my shopping love. His exact words " blow me, you get 2 jobs". So I guess I am out of luck.. ;-) Love you honey and I can't wait to work on you getting back to a family man and not a soldier with a bad potty mouth... HA HA HA
Sue update;
I am supposed to go home tomorrow. I guess i will have to wait and see how much I get done today in the organisation department. I have been too consumed with the adoption and I have to get in gear and help out my folks or will have to stay another day. I'm starting to get home sick so I will get my kiester in gear and give it a good go until I am done!!!
Saturday, January 06, 2007
I have been kicked out...
My mom kicked me and Ty out for the day and then my mother in law asked me to drop her off and come to get her later..lol. So Ty and I had to sneak back into my mom's house with the promise to be quite while she listens to her on-line conference new age stuff.. We call it her hocus pocus club!!!
I am hoping Ty will fall asleep for a few minutes before we leave again to visit Steve's grand-parents. Then I will bring him back here to put him to bed and I will go visit with my auntie Sunshine and uncle Fruit loop. Today is our last day of visiting and the next 2 days will consist of organising and cleaning my parents home.
I went shopping today and feel like I spent waaaaaayyyyyy to much. We got money for Christmas so I wanted Ty to chose a couple things, I bought Tamaya a cabbage patch baby, and a couple t-shirts to bring to her. My cart was full and consisted of a new car seat for Ty as he has hit the 40lbs and now needs a booster. I bought myself a new pair of shoes because I no longer think my clogs are working in the winter. To make matters worst I passed by one of my favorite clothes stores almost everything was 50% off.. So I spent a couple bucks there. I now have 3 more pairs of jogging pants, a pair of Capri's and a couple shirt.. oh ya and I bought more socks..lol. MY BAD!!! Frugal living??? I probably spent more in the last couple days with a combo of my trip and today than I did for my entire Christmas shopping...
See that's the problem with not working, you make no money, but have all kinds of time to shopping. When you work you have the money but no time??? Go figure!!!
I can always convince my hubby to work 2 jobs and he can provide the extra money for my shopping habit? What do you think Steve... wanna?
I am hoping Ty will fall asleep for a few minutes before we leave again to visit Steve's grand-parents. Then I will bring him back here to put him to bed and I will go visit with my auntie Sunshine and uncle Fruit loop. Today is our last day of visiting and the next 2 days will consist of organising and cleaning my parents home.
I went shopping today and feel like I spent waaaaaayyyyyy to much. We got money for Christmas so I wanted Ty to chose a couple things, I bought Tamaya a cabbage patch baby, and a couple t-shirts to bring to her. My cart was full and consisted of a new car seat for Ty as he has hit the 40lbs and now needs a booster. I bought myself a new pair of shoes because I no longer think my clogs are working in the winter. To make matters worst I passed by one of my favorite clothes stores almost everything was 50% off.. So I spent a couple bucks there. I now have 3 more pairs of jogging pants, a pair of Capri's and a couple shirt.. oh ya and I bought more socks..lol. MY BAD!!! Frugal living??? I probably spent more in the last couple days with a combo of my trip and today than I did for my entire Christmas shopping...
See that's the problem with not working, you make no money, but have all kinds of time to shopping. When you work you have the money but no time??? Go figure!!!
I can always convince my hubby to work 2 jobs and he can provide the extra money for my shopping habit? What do you think Steve... wanna?
Friday, January 05, 2007
HAPPY 75TH...
Today is my grand-pa's 75th birthday... We are going out for supper and to my aunts house afterwards for some cake and ice cream. How wonderful that I am still in town to be with my family again on such a joyous occasion.
Now that my ticket is booked to go I have been getting very excited about going. I have had this HUGE gut feeling that there is a very big reason why I NEED to be there. Today I received an e-mail from an American friend, that has lived in Haiti for many years and is fluent in creole as well as very comfortable in the country. She informed me that she will be in Haiti while I am there and is willing to help in any way she can. That e-mail pretty much confirmed there was in deed a reason I needed to go and that I truly believe with her help and knowledge Tamaya's birth mom will be found.. or at least if we have not found her I can proceed with re-starting the process. If we need to re-start it will suck!!! but if that's what we need to do I don't want to wait months and months to give it a go again.
Yesterday while I was day dreaming of my reunion with Tamaya a thought came over me and I became very emotional. This will be the first time I will see my baby walk, the first time I see her teeth. The first time I will get to see all the new things she has learned in a whole year. How cool is that. I can already feel some other the "Haiti" emotions coming... to know in a couple short week we will be together just gets be giddy :-)
Now that my ticket is booked to go I have been getting very excited about going. I have had this HUGE gut feeling that there is a very big reason why I NEED to be there. Today I received an e-mail from an American friend, that has lived in Haiti for many years and is fluent in creole as well as very comfortable in the country. She informed me that she will be in Haiti while I am there and is willing to help in any way she can. That e-mail pretty much confirmed there was in deed a reason I needed to go and that I truly believe with her help and knowledge Tamaya's birth mom will be found.. or at least if we have not found her I can proceed with re-starting the process. If we need to re-start it will suck!!! but if that's what we need to do I don't want to wait months and months to give it a go again.
Yesterday while I was day dreaming of my reunion with Tamaya a thought came over me and I became very emotional. This will be the first time I will see my baby walk, the first time I see her teeth. The first time I will get to see all the new things she has learned in a whole year. How cool is that. I can already feel some other the "Haiti" emotions coming... to know in a couple short week we will be together just gets be giddy :-)
Thursday, January 04, 2007
getting excited...
Well I have to admit that now that I have made my decision I am getting pretty darn excited to go see my girl. How COOL that I will be able to hold her and just be with her again. It's really hard for a mom to stand back and watch someone else raise her child and just wait behind the scenes. I have been lucky that Tamaya has been receiving EXCELLENT care, her well-being has never been something I felt a need to worry about. Thank goodness. I couldn't imagine having her in a less than par home for this entire process... jeeezzz that thought gives me the shivers.
I am really looking forward to seeing all the children at Marijke's house again. It will be really neat to see how much they have all grown in the past year. Some children have gone home, but some that I really enjoyed while I was there are still there, most of the children now have families.
YIPPPPPPEEEEEE!!!!!! I know it's not as good as the home coming, but I've got to tell you it is pretty darn close.
I am really looking forward to seeing all the children at Marijke's house again. It will be really neat to see how much they have all grown in the past year. Some children have gone home, but some that I really enjoyed while I was there are still there, most of the children now have families.
YIPPPPPPEEEEEE!!!!!! I know it's not as good as the home coming, but I've got to tell you it is pretty darn close.
Wednesday, January 03, 2007
Holy morning...
Well I have officially booked my flight to Haiti for Mid Jan :-) Here I come Tamaya princess.
This morning I awoke to an e-mail that was very alarming and I just can't sit back and wait any longer. If our daughters Haitian mom is NOT found. We may have to re-start the entire process with her as being an abandoned child. Can you imagine. I can't :-( If that is the case I will surely have to be on happy pills because my heart simply can't take the entire process again.
I have started asking my contacts for help in her search. I am just waiting for confirmation that her Haitian mom has NOT been found and will proceed with her search. My agency also has a gentleman that has different contacts in Haiti and I am hoping that they will also be able to take part in the search.
In the next couple days I will make all my necessary arrangements for my stay and driver and I will certainly keep you all posted :-) I have also purchased cancellation insurance and I will not hesitate to cancel my flight if I get a bad feeling or if the violence gets really bad. But as it stands I am very excited to know in just a couple short weeks my baby girl and I will be reunited.
This morning I awoke to an e-mail that was very alarming and I just can't sit back and wait any longer. If our daughters Haitian mom is NOT found. We may have to re-start the entire process with her as being an abandoned child. Can you imagine. I can't :-( If that is the case I will surely have to be on happy pills because my heart simply can't take the entire process again.
I have started asking my contacts for help in her search. I am just waiting for confirmation that her Haitian mom has NOT been found and will proceed with her search. My agency also has a gentleman that has different contacts in Haiti and I am hoping that they will also be able to take part in the search.
In the next couple days I will make all my necessary arrangements for my stay and driver and I will certainly keep you all posted :-) I have also purchased cancellation insurance and I will not hesitate to cancel my flight if I get a bad feeling or if the violence gets really bad. But as it stands I am very excited to know in just a couple short weeks my baby girl and I will be reunited.
Tuesday, January 02, 2007
My not so baby girl...
I think I can officially say my toddler girl... or my princess!!!
My princesses hair is starting to grow even more :-) I received some pictures from a recent mission trip which was a nice surprise and very appreciated. The little pants she has on are from a package I sent her a while back. I have now seen her with the shirt, and the pants.. now maybe someday I will see the complete outfit together..lol
I still have no idea whether I am going to Haiti. I am still waiting for confirmation, but I'm started to become very indecisive on if I want to go or not. Will it make it harder on me? Will it be hard on her? What if Ty misses me too much? What if I miss Ty too much? What happens if something does happen to me there? So as you can see I'm not as excited at the prospect as I was... but I have not cancelled it out of my mind just yet... I am thinking it out.
I really appreciate everybody's supportive words and additional information in regard to safety or lack thereof in Haiti. I am taking all this information and processing it!
Steve called tonight which was nice. He threw out his back again. Once he gets home I will order him to see a chiropractor. For a 31 year old man his body is pretty mangled. I guess all those years of vigorous training and constant hard PT are getting the best of him. Maybe it is time for him to get up there in rank and start a desk job..lol.. right Hon? Hint, hint!!!
So this will bring him to the main camp for a couple days. Hopefully he will get some needed rest and have enough time to re-coup before he is back in the middle of nowhere.
Monday, January 01, 2007
HAPPY NEW YEAR...
Last night found me cuddling on the sofa with my folks for new years eve. Yup I'm a LOOOSER!!! Actually I had made plans to go out to my cousins house she was having some people over and we were going to be playing some boards games, but when I looked outside we had a bad case of freezing rain so I opted to stay in and not chance to icy roads. I also had a stomach ache, but I thought it was because I had ate too much again.
Today my dad made another awesome breakfast. He made ham, eggs and cheese on an English muffin. Home version of the Egg McMuffin. It was YUMMY. My grand-parents came over this afternoon for a little visit and shortly after I put my son down for a snooze because he was acting pretty tired and sure enough he fell asleep within no time. I went to lay in my mom's bed to watch some TV and fell asleep as well. I am in a pretty vicious cycle with my sleeping. I nap which keeps me up at night, but I have to wake up early to tend to Ty, but am to tired to make it through the day because I went to bed to late... I will have to get myself back on schedule.
At supper time Ty complained of a sore stomach and continuously was running to the washroom. He then asked me to stay with him while he was on the toilet which was odd. He started getting sick and it took me by surprise. This was the first time my little guy ever had the flu. Poor little fellow. Once he was done he went back to the table to eat his supper??? My dad offered him a cookie and moments later it came back up. He seemed fine after his episode and I hope for his sake it's the end of that. I also wonder if that what I had yesterday? I hope so because I really don't want it.
Today my dad made another awesome breakfast. He made ham, eggs and cheese on an English muffin. Home version of the Egg McMuffin. It was YUMMY. My grand-parents came over this afternoon for a little visit and shortly after I put my son down for a snooze because he was acting pretty tired and sure enough he fell asleep within no time. I went to lay in my mom's bed to watch some TV and fell asleep as well. I am in a pretty vicious cycle with my sleeping. I nap which keeps me up at night, but I have to wake up early to tend to Ty, but am to tired to make it through the day because I went to bed to late... I will have to get myself back on schedule.
At supper time Ty complained of a sore stomach and continuously was running to the washroom. He then asked me to stay with him while he was on the toilet which was odd. He started getting sick and it took me by surprise. This was the first time my little guy ever had the flu. Poor little fellow. Once he was done he went back to the table to eat his supper??? My dad offered him a cookie and moments later it came back up. He seemed fine after his episode and I hope for his sake it's the end of that. I also wonder if that what I had yesterday? I hope so because I really don't want it.
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