grumpy me...

Yesterday I was so grumpy I could barely stand to be with myself. My poor Steve called at the wrong time... Ty was acting up and I felt I NEEDED some support and of course Steve wasn't here to help me out. I had a mini fit on Steve and hung up the phone..I said " well fine then, I have to deal with something so BYE" then hung up.. I of course sent him a huge e-mail explaining what was going on and apologised.

It is so hard not having him home. Deployments are awful and so hard on a relationship. Steve and I have something pretty good, but in any relationship it takes work and you cannot work at something from so far away. Your relationship is placed on hold only for you to take 10 steps back when they are away and have to begin all over again when they come home.

The other thing about such a long stay away is that there is a detachment that occurs between a couple. It is a way to protect yourself and move on... When Steve comes home there will be so many different emotions. From being so ecstatic having him back, the reality that he is home, we will certainly have a few quarrels regarding parenting, responsibilities and just getting to know each other again. I have done 3 other tours and I can admit that this one was different in so many ways. Having another little person has had some advantages and of course made this deployment harder. Not only am I having to deal with my emotions regarding Steve being away, I also have to deal with a grieving son. The time has flew by because of everything being my sole responsibility.

Some days I feel ready and able to take on the world, other days I feel weak and unable to deal with the smallest of tasks. It is hard to admit that some days I am weak. I can admit that I have more on my plate than I am comfortable with. It has been a roller-coaster of emotions and certainly the hardest time of my life. Some days I feel like less than a perfect mom, I sometimes wonder how I will get through... but somehow I do. Just like this will all be a distant memory and I could put all this in the past.

In a month or so my Steve will be here. We will get through our adjustment period, we will become parents to 2 children... my drama will be over and another exciting part of my life will begin... I know it won't all be a bouquet of roses, I expect some adjusting on every one's part, but at least we will all be here.. together as a family !!!